Halloween

I'm eating chocolate for breakfast. My friend gave me Halloween candy last night. Baaaaad me.

I stopped taking the natural anti-depressants. I had a dream that told me to knock it off. It was about imaginary sea creatures and would probably make sense only to me, so I won't repeat it. But basically anti-depressants are not a cure for laziness. Boooo. There is no cure! Also, I do not appear to be allergic to wheat. I am freakishly healthy. Besides that whole overweight thing. Pfft! I decided the possible cure to my "laziness" might be to make my computer faster. I have to clear out the excess files and do that whole defragmenting thing, which I have never done before. I told my friend about it and she's like, "Yeah, I have my computer set up to do that every two weeks." What?! I just never even thought it was important or messed with it before. Geez. (See, I work on my computer, was the whole point to this story.)

I'm thinking about entering some of my videos in the old X-Files video challenge that's going on in X-Files fandom. There are 3 I think I will enter. And then I will not win anything and I will say, "Ah, they don't understand my vision! I am not appreciated in my own time!" Or if I win something I will get a warm fuzzy feeling inside and think, "They like me! They really like me!" Hahaha. Crazy.

My new DVD player gets here tomorrow. And then I can go back to vegetating in front of it. But maybe I will work on my computer instead. Weeding out the excess crap, defragmenting. Then, make new videos? Maybe. But probably work on my secret undisclosed profit making websites that don't quite make enough money for me yet. Hmm.

Speaking of weeding things out of computers. I have to go over to my mother's today and get the last of the stubborn spyware off her computer. There are two pieces of adware that just will not go. Hopefully I will be victorious. They are the most annoying ones. They pop pops. Or at least one of them does.

Damn, I am all out of chocolate and now I have the stomachache of a person who ate nothing but chocolate for breakfast. I have to go put real food in my stomach now. Ouch.

Adios, amigos! Happy Halloween!!!! <--- Halloween mask. (Let's pretend.)

Chris on 10.31.04 @ 03:44 pm [link]

Music, insanity, and a magazine guy

Hola. My head hurts. And I'm a little queasy. I'm trying two crazy things at once. Giving up wheat, and taking herbal anti-depressants again. Ow. So, I guess I can't tell which thing is having which effect on me. But I'm pretty sure the St. John's Wort is giving me the headache, and the 5HTP is giving me the queasy feeling. And the lack of wheat? Making my blood feel like acid in my veins. ? Maybe. That was only a brief feeling. I think it made my ankles and my stomach less swollen. ?? And me less tired? It's hard to tell. Maybe wheat wasn't that bad for me after all, but I'll give it a week. A week of wheat-free-ness. Just to test.

I just got a portable CD player, so I can sit at the computer and listen to music. I don't want to play the actual CD player across the room because I'm awake in the wee hours and it would wake people up. And I don't want to play CDs on my computer because it slows everything down too much. Youch. And now I'm stuck listening to a CD I didn't really want to listen to, but it was the first thing I grabbed to test the new player, and now I'm too lazy to go across the room to get the CD I really want to hear. BAH!!!! ("Once More With Feeling" for those of you who care. ) Plus my headache makes me not want to move.

I started the anti-depressant thing because I was watching that little girl on ER the other night saying she was ready to go to heaven, and I thought, "Hm. Lucky." WHAT???!!!! So, I had a mood check (in my own head, by me ) and it seems some of my attitudes are a little negative. Plus, in all my spare moments I do nothing but laze around... doing nothing. I am very unproductive. Which, maybe I'm just LAZY, but it seemed like a sign of depression maybe. So, I'm all headached out on the happy pills and we shall see what happens. Could be a false alarm! Whatever. Or, I mean, it could just be circumstances in my life and as soon as I change those everything could become peachy again. You really never know.

In other news, the reason I'm here is because my DVD player broke. Pah! I've had it for about 10 months. Oo, almost to the day. Got it for Christmas last year. And I don't have cable, so the only way I can entertain myself is the Internet. And I got bored with the Internet a while ago. You know that feeling when you've looked up everything online you ever thought you might want to look up, had an online romance that burned brightly for a while then crashed and burned, set up your "official" (as if I'll ever be famous!) website, and then realized you have nothing more to get out of or give to the Internet? I feel like that. So, anyway. I bought a new DVD player. Ordered it. A cheapie. We'll see if it works.

I have 15 minutes to get off the Internet, find a tape to record on, and adjust the antennas on my TV to pick up Lost. Weeee. However, one more tale.

For some reason on Sunday night I went to sleep fully clothed (minus bra, like you care!) and early, and then at noon on Monday I woke suddenly to the sound of someone ringing my doorbell three times fast in a row, like it was an emergency. So, of course, I thought it was an emergency. That people couldn't reach me cuz I always have the ringer on my phone turned off. So, I leaped out of bed immediately, half awake, booked it to my front door, and opened it, only to find some freakishly tall chipper college lad trying to sell me magazines!!!!!!!!! In my mind I was sending out a telepathic message, "So totally believe how much I am not going to buy magazines from you.!" And out loud, "Sorry, no money right now. Sorry!" Grrrrrr.

I must go now -- but OOOO! I got all excited that I found spyware on my mom's computer. She just got it, it used to be my sister's. Weeee! I never catch anything on my computer. It's too darn secure. So, tomorrow I get to go over to her house and weed out the spyware and adware. I didn't have time to yesterday. Woohoo!! The things that make me happy. Hee.

Okay, now I gotta go. Gotta see what's happening on that crazy island of castaways. Adios!

Chris on 10.27.04 @ 06:52 pm [link]

Listerine

I have nothing else to talk about. So. Listerine. That stuff is powerful!!!! I thought it would be regular gentle mouthwash like ACT or whatever. I had never had that type of paint thinner mouthwash in my mouth before. Soooo funny. I start to swish and look at the clock for 30 seconds to go by, then my mouth began to burn like I was swishing a light acid solution - AH! I lasted 10 seconds, and then I rinsed with water a bunch, but my mouth was still partly numb. YOWZA!!!! But I like it anyway. Hee.

I decided to take better care of my teeth, see. Teeth are so high maintenance. I can let everything else go. I can have dirty hair or be wearing my shirt from yesterday, but teeth don't take kindly to being ignored. So they will get the special treatment from me now. My bathtub could use a little extra attention too, but it's not a part of me, so it can suffer. It's yucky, though. Why am I such a bad housekeeper? Or whatever you would call taking care of your own house. Homemaker? No, not when it's just me.... Pljthjp. Fine! Where did I recently see an ad that said "Family of one"? That was funny. Heh.

Where is my "Once More With Feeling" CD???? I want to listen to that Tara and Willow song over and over and over. It's playing in my head anyway, but still. It sounds cooler in reality. But it's still pretty cool in my imagination too.

Oh, hey. Someone found my site by typing "need to burp" into a search engine. !! How funny is that? I run a classy site.

I got new batteries for my camera. They were less than $6. I didn't buy any for years cuz I thought they were super special expensive camera batteries that would cost $30. ?! I must have been thinking of rechargeable batteries and a charger and shipping fees or some nonsense. Sheesh!!!!! Not that I have anything I want to take a picture of.

And hey, speaking of me and how fat I am -- hehe -- I found a way to lose weight. It's the same way I always do. I just eat a normal amount of food, no starving, and I don't eat within four hours of bedtime. I've lost 2 or 3 pounds now. No extra exercise, nothing, just that. Boo! I lost 60 pounds once doing that. I can do it again. (And, yes, I need to do it again!!!!) And now that I've given up dairy, my ears are popping, and I can hear better. My vision improved too. It's less.... has less flashy blurbs of misty light floating through dark areas I look into. If that makes sense. I haven't noticed improved taste buds, but I've been eating different food. But in the past I've noticed improved taste buds when I give up dairy. It's like they taste more clearly. ? Clarified taste buds. I have also noticed being able to smell better. Which makes me take out the garbage more often. Bleck. Always a good thing. It's weird how dairy can do that to you. Cloud everything up. All your senses. Or all my senses. Heck, maybe it's just me. Maybe I have a dairy allergy. But I doubt it. Hey, I'm less tired and have more energy too when I go dairyless.

It always amazes me how everyone doesn't want to become vegan. I feel so much better when I eat vegan food. Infinitely better. But I never would have believed it 'til I felt it. I had a vegetarian friend who kept trying to guilt and pester me into becoming vegetarian. It just made me more determined to keep eating meat and whatever else I wanted. I didn't become a vegetarian 'til a few years after I lost touch with him. Ha! I mean, it just wasn't my time yet, you know? Like everyone has a time. Pfft! Funny! I think as a planet we are all moving towards vegetarianism. But I think it will take centuries. So, fear not! You can still have your hamburger, or whatever. It's aaalllll voluntary. Choosing vegetarianism. Hmm. And now I'm hungry.

Breakfast!!!! This entry is filled with a wee bit too many exclamation points. Which makes me seem manic. Which I am not!!!!!!! Heehee.

Hehe. Okay, I'll go now. Adios.

Chris on 10.21.04 @ 04:46 pm [link]

Woe is me

"I am slowly going crazy, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, switch. Crazy going slowly am I, 6, 5, 4, 3, 2, 1, switch." I used to babysit and watch Nickelodeon with the kiddies and got all their songs stuck in my head. That's one of them. I like it.

My car hates me. I just had to spend $300 to get it a new starter. And I had to have it towed! Very funny my car and I riding in the same vehicle. It sat behind me with a happy face, "Are we there yet? Weeeee!!!!" Damn car!

Then I came home and slept for 11 hours. Cuz I had to be awake in the daytime again. But it went like this. I slept for 6 hours, was awake for about 5 1/2, then slept for another 5 hours. Then I got confused about what day it was, cuz it was like I just had two nighttimes. ?! And yet I was still wearing the same outfit.

I also had to walk across the town - okay 9 blocks - to go home to sleep. And one of my muscles got sore. Just one. The back/inside of my right ankle. Like I use all my other muscles frequently enough for them not to be sore, but not the back/inside of my right ankle. ?! Talented. The day before I had to walk over to my mom's to get my car too, and I saw 3 deer chewing on someone's lawn. Oblivious to me and the occasional car. I guess you can't really call these "wild" animals anymore, can you? Hmm. But wild in the sense that they don't belong to any humans. Go deer.

Then I got all zombiefied from all the walking and not sleeping when I'm supposed to and the removal of $300 from my possession, and I sat around all week watching DVDs. When I didn't have to be anywhere else. Recuperating from the shakeup to my prissy schedule. Heeey! It's not prissy!!!! What..ever. The delicate balance that is my schedule then. How's that? Geesh.

Hmph. And now tonight, hopefully I get to go out. My friend is back in town and we can geek out and watch some more of our ongoing X-Files marathon. I don't think it's geeky, but in case you do, I threw that in there.

And now I should eat breakfast. You read right, breakfast. ! Heeeeee. My car is functioning and all is right with the world again. Okay, here I go. Off to do a Saturday. (That sounded more sexual than I intended in my head.) Adios.

Chris on 10.16.04 @ 03:47 pm [link]

Diary world

I made some beans. Sorted 'em, soaked 'em, boiled 'em. They turned out nice enough. Bland. Yeesh. I started my little diet. It made me feel better, but I got bored with the food and started eating nothing instead. Whoops. Had to nip that in the bud by eating some of the foods I'm not supposed to be eating. But since I make my own rules, those foods are okay to eat now. Pfft!

I woke up today and hallucinated a big spider web with a unicorn design in it, the whole thing floating towards me from the middle of my room. The day before that I woke up and saw a giant see-through thumb print in white ink floating towards me, or maybe just hanging there. I saw other things, but I forget what. Mostly lately I just see the walls of my bedroom rotting away when I wake up, if I see anything. The first time I hallucinated after I woke up was in high school. I woke up and saw roses and old books laying all around my room. It was cool. I sat up and tried to touch the books on my bed, but they all disappeared. I don't remember it ever happening before that. It freaked me out for a long time, but then I read in a medical book that it is sort of the same as sleep walking or sleep talking. Harmless. Phew! I'd never heard of it happening to anyone else. Then later one of my sisters said it happens to her too. So, there you go.

How come on Buffy Spike says Angel made him into a vampire, but then they show Drusilla making him into a vampire? Grr. Oh well. Sorta. They changed his age too. I probably wouldn't notice this if I hadn't watched them all in a big marathon. Shame on me. I love the musical episode.

I'm no closer to accomplishing any of the creative tasks I set for myself recently. I've been too busy worrying about food issues this week. And something about winter approaching always depresses the hell out of me. Or puts me on guard. I don't know why. If it's the idea of snow and cold coming or if it's the darker days. I feel like myself in summer. Winter is like a black hole. Could it be Seasonal Affective Disorder or whatever it's called? I doubt it. I was taking herbal anti-depressants last year and it didn't help. A whole powerful concoction of herbal things that worked wonders for my depression but still left me dreading winter. Or Christmas. Or something. Maybe like some kind of primitive person I really don't think the sun will ever return. Or the warmth. And I panic. Maybe. Maybe it's the essence of the school year coming back to haunt me. I still wake up in the morning in a panic thinking I'm late for school. I haven't been to school in 12 years. Haven't been to high school in 14. And it's always high school that I wake up feeling late for. That has got to be the worst time in anyone's life. You feel grown up but they still don't trust you not to choke on your own bubblegum. GAWD.

Gloomy. Hey, my teeth need to be brushed. I'll do that next. And something else I forgot. Oh, dur, write in here. That's what's on the to do list in my head. Write in here, and now brush my teeth. Very short list. I keep wondering if I'm repeating myself in here. I could use the search box and check, but how tedious would that be? Argh.

Must go now. Got to get to the tooth brushin'. Bye.

Chris on 10.10.04 @ 12:10 am [link]

Love

First of all, let me say, I've been in the whole Buffy zone for a few days again. (Beware of spoilers!) WOW. All that death, betrayal, death, betrayal, PASSION, death, betrayal again. Why do I do that to myself? Why can't I ration?? Geez! Anyway. (I ordered 2 more seasons, see.)

Love. I like being in love, it's really cool. But it kind of sucks, cuz at any moment you can be devastated. And you never see it coming. Not because you're a moron, but because all of a sudden you are blinded by love. Okay, you are a moron, but you're a love moron. Yay! Stupid. Anyway. Can't decide if I want to do that again. But I'm getting better at choosing guys. Each one is nicer than the last. That's a good sign, I figure. But where is that guy that sticks? (Like spaghetti on a wall, you know what I'm saying?) The lifetime guy, happily ever after, whatever. And does he exist or am I wasting my brain power wondering? Hm.... I don't know. Don't you hate it when a guy breaks up with you and then you realize you don't even care? It's kind of disturbing. But good at the same time cuz at least it's over. Love for people who don't get married at 21 is a very weird thing. There's this whole years of bouncing around from guy to guy thing. Not quickly or anything, but years pass and there you are. A bunch of exes. All the while these people who married young have had just the one, maybe two, loves and they get to feel secure and stable. I'm jealous! But if I haven't found the guy yet, I haven't found the guy yet, eh? What are you gonna do? Wouldn't that be lovely to be in love? I like being sane, though, too. Love sometimes seems like the opposite of sane. Grrr. Arrgh. I finally feel like I'm over the last fella and now I want to go out there and love again. And at the same time, I'm thinking I'm a moron. And my heart is saying, "Dude! You tried that before!!! Snap out of it!! Bad! Bad!!!!!" (Yes, my heart calls me "Dude". Pfft.) Sigh. A guy has to be that perfect blend of not cheating on me, yelling at me, hitting me, stalking me, or ignoring me. HMM. Or trying to kill me. Let's face it, that's always bad. Believe it or not - stop reading here, Mom!!! - I have had 4 boyfriends who tried to kill me. I really know how to pick 'em. One of the times I saw my life flash before my eyes, but really I saw a newspaper article flash before my eyes. Guy shoots girl for no apparent reason, she was dead at the scene. And my NAME wouldn't even be in the paper, just "girl, 19, dead from one gunshot wound..." blah blah blah. And people would say, "Oh, that's too bad," and keep drinking their morning coffee, and then forget about it all completely within a few weeks. If it even lasted that long. And THAT would be my life. Summed up in a headline. Pointless existence. She never accomplished anything, the end. And I decided then that I REALLY don't want to die in a stupid way. I realize we all die eventually, but I'd rather die of old age after a life time of doing cool, great, good, helpful, fun, AWESOME things. I mean I'm here for something. What is it? I have a good idea now, though. What I want to do is probably what I'm supposed to do. Write books, fall in love again (Helloo, Universe!), get married and have kids (panic attack, panic attack...). I am HUNGRY. Tomorrow I start a new diet. All about discovering my food allergies and whatnot. Will NOT be fun. (So optimistic.) I ordered a giant long audio/video cable so I can hook up my computer to my VCR without having to move my VCR over to the computer every time I want to capture clips for music videos. Yay! And then I will make another video. After I finish learning the new software. Whoopie. I'm still hungry. It's my bedtime. Shouldn't eat before bed. Good God, I have to soak and boil BEANS tomorrow! Ahhhhhh!!!!!! Damn whole foods. Grumble grumble grumble. By the way, scary Willow is very scary. When she's not alternate dimension vampire Willow. When actual Willow said, "Bored now," it sent a chill down my spine. Man, that's good writing! Depressing, though. But so good!!!!! Every time someone is happy on that show it means someone is gonna be killed, maimed, tortured, injured, or sent to a hell dimension or something. But not maimed, actually, cuz everybody has to be pretty on TV. Hehe. Sigh.... Time for sleep. And dieting. Bleck. But I will feel better on this diet and then everything will get back to normal. (Thin normal!!!!!) By the way, I decided not to make another paragraph break today. Don't wanna. Oh, and like the five people who read this would care, but a male witch is not called a "warlock". He's just called a "witch". I don't know why that bothers me, it's not like TV witchcraft is real in any way anyway (much), but I have these pet peeves. And this need to lecture.... But I will save it for another day. It's funny, Willow was raising a Satanic temple up out of the earth and I found a flaw with that, in the way she was doing it, like that would ever happen!!!! Egads! It was something to do with energy and -- it's cool Anya can teleport. Should I have said "SPOILERS" all over this entry???? I sometimes wonder. I went up and added it in. Booya! Okay, I'm gonna go now. Gotta sleep.

Chris on 10.04.04 @ 08:07 am [link]