Blank

My computer is busy chewing on itself. Ever since the A drive stopped working, it tries to make sense of it for about 20 minutes every time I turn the computer on. 'Raum, raum, raum'. Shut up!

Anyway. I can't think of a title for this entry. I'm gonna go write "Blank" up there. Be back in a sec. --Okay! Yay, the computer stopped chewing on itself. Phew. Now I can think.

Pause. I am so stressed out. All of a sudden I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't know why this was such a tough week. Only 4 days of work. But what a downer. We almost had a new person to do my job, but now we don't anymore and it's been 3 1/2 months since the last person quit. See, I'm supposed to be across the room doing my new job. But I rarely have time to. I still do it sometimes. Bah. And also a patient woke me up at 8 am (I was at work on auto pilot) to tell me she thinks we have horrible customer service and she and her whole family are leaving the clinic. I thought, "Geez, all I did was say 'hello.'" Which is true. She was bitchy at me for something someone else did. Which made it almost impossible to be nice to her. But I was civil anyway. Grr. Kind of ruined my day. So early in the morning! I sooooo need to set my own hours and be my own boss. Now!

Said the broken record.

Plus, I'm thinking, I need more time to do "therapy". Digging into my mind and seeing what's going on in there. Cuz it's a powerful and weird place. Not like a normal mind. All kinds of crazy traps and minefields in there. And mazes. Wow! I used to make videos as therapy. But now I don't have time. Part of me thinks I should make time. Before I lose touch with myself completely and become a worker bee robot. Damn! I should do that with my 3 days off later this month. Which means I should plan the video now. So I know what clips I need to capture. Plus clear off my computer so it has enough... bandwidth to make the video. Whatever that is. Space, but really energy....???? I forget, but I know what I mean. RAM or something.

I just asked the oil change place guys if they would install a light on my car for me. I bought the part on Amazon, then took it with me to get my car an oil change. And they did it, and I don't think they charged me, which is weird. It's okay to charge me! But anyway. I just couldn't handle the hour or 2 or 3 that it would take me to puzzle it out like a monkey and do it myself. My brain doesn't want to learn today.

I hate wasting a Saturday for car maintenance. Especially one where I need to be in my pajamas under a blanket watching TV. Or writing in my diary. Hey, I didn't have murder dreams last night. Did I? No. I just had a dream I was naked in a crowd trying to discreetly find my clothes and cover up somehow. Eek! But no one seemed to notice me, which was nice. Weird, but nice. But a few days ago I had a murder dream. I was trapped in this house where they were murdering women. They had me locked in a room and hadn't gotten to me yet. I snuck out and found a naked dead girl in one room. They were planning to decapitate her. And then I couldn't go up the stairs cuz there was a man there decapitating another dead naked woman. So I had to go back to my room and crawl out a basement window. HMM. But I know what that one means, so I stopped having murder dreams. Because I bothered to analyze it. See?!! I need to be analyzing things. No one wants to have too many murder dreams. Yeck.

Oh, I'm tired. I got almost 8 hours of sleep, but after a week of 6 hours a night, it's not enough. Six hours used to be enough. But now I need SLEEEEEEEP. Herbal crap. That's what does it to me! But the herbal stuff is working. For what I wanted it to do. I just need to sleep more. Wahoo. I feel like the day is just beginning, but it's almost dinner time. Yesssssssss. That was some Parseltongue.

I am so shocked and numb right now, I don't know why. I need to figure out why. Probably not a good time to be blogging. But here I am. I've noticed I've been blogging lately every 4 days. Like clockwork. I always settle down into a predictable pattern. Patterns are comforting. It may be time to retire again from the land of blogging. Now that I'm in a rut. . Life is too weird.

I don't know what I mean. Talkin' crazy. But I do need a break. I saw the shadow of myself walking to the car this afternoon, gingerly carrying the box with the car part by one corner. Felt sullen and sad and determined. Reminded me of a little girl. In some kind of post-apocalyptic world taking care of herself. "This must be done now." Even if I would rather be curled up inside. SAD. ! I have weird thoughts. Is my 5HTP on the fritz?!

Oh, it's just time. To go "underground" again. To cocoon or hibernate or something. So I can come out again on the other side a butterfly. Something like that. Hopefully it won't last all winter. But there's a good chance it might. You see why I don't have a readership. . I'm unpredictable. Hopefully the next time I blog in here I will be a full time writer. With a new nephew or niece. (That part's definite. )

Don't know why this entry is so melancholy. I didn't even know what I was going to say until I sat down to type it. Wow! See what I mean about not knowing what's going on in my head until I look in there? I need to look in there more. Alrighty. Here's me diving under the waves.... In dream symbolism all bodies of water represent emotion. So, I'm diving into my emotions? Something like that. That's how I find out what's at the center of them. The hard solid structure of thoughts holding them together. Mixed metaphors, yes, but you see what I mean? Thoughts cause emotion. We can't control our emotions, but we can control our thoughts. HMMMmmmm...... But that's not entirely what I meant. 'Cause it's easier said than done anyway. Changing thoughts. Not for the faint of heart. All I want to do is find out what's in there. I don't necessarily want to change it. I've changed the Serenity Prayer to something like this:

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And also the wisdom to know what I shouldn't try to change even though I can, and also the wisdom to know what I should try to change even though it seems utterly impossible....

It may go on, I can't remember. This seems like a serious entry, no? But remember the true pessimists in life are the comedians. They have no hope for the human race and just think we might as well enjoy our trip down into destruction. They are your morphine drip for the soul. But drama creators (is there a word for this?) have hope for the human race and think we really can improve and make something of ourselves. They are willing to get down in the dirt and examine everything and make new discoveries about better ways to do things, etc, etc.... I'm always funniest when I'm really upset. If you ever happen to know me in real life (or you already do) and I happen to be super funny one day, duck, I may have a weapon.

I'd better put a stop to this ramble. I'm kind of funny all the time, does that make me a pessimist? YES! At least temporarily. But possibly not now. Unless I look back on this entry and realize I was funnier than I intended to be! Hey, I have habits. I'm not saying all funny is bad. (Or that all drama is good.) Possibly there is a happy medium. But I may be depressed. Or maybe just insightful. Either way, I've got to go.

A quote? It seems time for a quote.

"The joy of the children was in his voice."

That's the last line of one of my favorite books, Christy. And you have to read the whole book before it to even know what it means. It's awesome.

Later.

Chris on 09.08.07 @ 05:38 pm [link]

Thank God it's Tuesday

Hey, I know what I mean. I started out the day feeling pretty good. Feeling pretty happy. But then work sucks that all out of me by the end of the day. The first day back from work after a weekend or a vacation. Bleck. Always happens! But only 3 more days to go this week. So, thank God it's Tuesday. Not really a Monday. It's a Monday and a Tuesday rolled up in one.

I'm getting worried about the CRUSH of new TV starting. I have to dust off my videotapes and... clear them off. Mentally. Whatever. Forward through them, see if anything is on them that I want to keep and save it, label it. There won't be, though. There are things I know I haven't watched yet, though. Like an episode of Raines. But I know it takes me two hours to get through one of those episodes, so I have been putting it off. For about 4 months. Heh.

And, uh... I have to do this complicated thing where I record Supernatural and Smallville and save them while I wait for their last seasons to get to me (via Amazon and Netflix), watch the last seasons, then catch up with my videotapes, 'til at some point I'm watching both shows in real time. Whoop! Yeah, yeah, it hurts my brain. But I gotta do it!

Because I suck, that's why. I am sooooo obsessed with the fiction. I was thinking today about how vivid my imagination is. I once had a nightmare in highschool that aliens were attacking the planet and I jumped out of bed, in reality, and ran into my sister's room to tell her we had to escape out the back windows because the aliens were coming in the front door. I actually woke her up. And she said, "What?!!" All mad at me for waking her up. And I was about to tell her my brilliant plan of escape, when I woke up a little more and said, "Wait a minute. Let me check something." I go back in my room, realize finally that it was JUST a dream, and go tell her, "Nevermind," and close her door and go back to bed. So close to total embarrassment. Except now I've just embarrassed the hell out of myself by telling this story here! But I think it's so damn funny. WOW.

And interesting. Because I actually used to believe in aliens. I guess I either don't believe in them now or I am really really skeptical. Something. But in junior high I had this science teacher who would tell us alien abduction stories, you know in between the stories of actual science, and I totally believed him. He was a science teacher! And, sure, he'd begin with, "Now, not everyone believes this, but..." Whatever. I figured he was a science teacher, his word was good enough for me. He also, hee, killed a rattlesnake in front of us and had us eat it. Okay, so it sounds so much worse now than I thought it was then. Geez!

I also had a teacher in junior high who was mad at a student for being a smart mouth or something, so he duct taped him to a desk and duct taped his mouth shut. Totally freaked us all out. WOA. And the kid sitting there red faced with his eyes darting around. It was like a scary crime movie! Ahhhh! He taught me drivers ed too and threw a girl's books across the room at her. For, I have no idea what. He, when teaching me to drive, took me to the busiest intersection in town, my first time out in the car, and the car started jumping around and stalling--it was a clutch--and he said, "We'll just sit here 'til you figure out what to do." Ahhhh! It was a 5 way intersection! Then at some point my friend got to drive and he made her drive on an icy bridge and then had to save our lives by taking the wheel from her. Way to go, smarty! Okay, now I'm mad. Grr. Flashbacks!

Then there was the perverted junior high teacher who liked to look down girls' shirts as he stood behind them helping them with whatever. I didn't worry too much about that one, though. Didn't have anything much to glance down at. And I think I wore shirts buttoned up to 'there'. My neck. That's me pointing at my neck. Wow. These are weird memories. Why not?

These are like things that would happen to Harry Potter. Well, that makes me feel better. Though I don't think they'd ever have a pervert teacher in a Harry Potter book. Snape would totally duct tape a kid to a chair, though! With his wand. And they'd call it "Snoogle Snarf Adhesive" or something instead of "duct tape". Whatever!

Sigh. I'm hungry. I ate too many cookies. That may seem paradoxical. But sugar makes me hungrier. Or anyone, probably. That reminds me, the other day I had some BOK CHOY noodle soup. And the flavor stayed with me for at least 24 hours. I think it imprinted itself on my taste buds. Tattooed itself there. Finally went away. WOW. -I just Googled it. It apparently is a sort of cabbage. On the noodle package it said it was "Chinese mustard". Hmm. Well, some flavor in there stayed with me. And it wasn't a bad flavor. The package was called "Noodle Soup". Which made me think of Joey on Friends saying, "Mmm, noodle soup." Hehehe. "The line is 'Mm, soup.'" "What did I say?" "You said, 'Mm, noodle soup.'" Joey thinks for a moment, "How's that different?" ROFL!!!!

Ow. My stomach hurts. I just did the situps again! And, you know, laughing. Hurts. The stomach. Of a person who just did some sort of situps but doesn't do them often enough for it not to hurt when she finally does them again. BAaahhhh! Ow.

Heehee.

Anyway. I had more depressing quotes planned for this entry. Like this little thing from Buffy that is actually kinda funny. Whilst being evil. Heehee. "Will, back off before somebody gets hurt." Willow: "How 'bout I back off right after?" Hehe, EVIL! I love good writing. Good dialogue.

Then there was a depressing (kind of depressingly uplifting) quote from Little Women. "I love being home. But I don't like being left behind. Now I am the one going ahead." She smiles. Chilling! Cuz she's dying. It's very saaaaad. Claire Daines is a kick ass actor. Darn it. -Ugh, I just Googled that scene, and here is what she says next! "I am not afraid. I can be brave like you." I remember her saying that. So chilling! And good! Weeeee! Anyway.

Wow, the scroll bar in this text box is getting tiny. I've been babbling too long. Ah well. I should probably put some non-cookie food in my stomach soon. Or I'm gonna get the jitters. Sheesh. Hey, my book is coming along nicely. Have I not said? I got a lot done. I thought I'd chat about that later in this entry, but now the entry's over. So, I'd better leave it at that. I guess I'll go. Thank God it's Tuesday!!!! I don't mean to keep repeating that so much, I'm just so glad it's true. Phew! Gotta go.

Later.

Chris on 09.04.07 @ 07:25 pm [link]