2 am and I'm still awake...

We're like cars on a cable and life's like an hourglass glued to the table, no one can find the rewind button now... and I can't type fast enough to keep up with this song. Hi.

I'm up, so I'm writing. My job kinda sucks. People keep quitting. Another person quit today. I had to go in on my day off. I had to work last week while sick. Head pounding, going up and down stairs all day, and outside. But that's over. I'm all better now. Can't look back at it, eh? But my God it's so beautiful when the boy smiles...

What else is going on? Oh, did they actually just kill off my favorite character on Alias? GOD. That sucked. I think he'll be back. Please, please?

I have so many one hour dramas on tape that I still have to watch. I guess from tonight I still have Night Stalker and ER. From yesterday Invasion. Then that oughta catch me up. Oh, and all that Joey / Will & Grace. Was Joey on tonight? Whatever. I just had to cram a bunch of stuff into my evening as if I hadn't worked today. I'm pretending it was still a day off.

Wow, I'm tired. I'm not usually up this late. Cuz these words are my diary screaming out loud...

I'm sure I have more news than this. It's been a while since I typed up my thoughts in here. Just breathe... Oh hey, I've been seeing ads for Serenity. That's cool. Maybe lots of people will go see it. And then there will be more movies. Yeah.

What the heck have I been up to? Just today he said down to the flask in his fist... My back feels funky and out of whack. Pfft. Fine. Maybe I need food. That had nothing to do with my back, I just realized my head feels woozy. There's a light at each end of this tunnel you shout and you're just as far in as you'll ever be out. That's my favorite line. But I'm not sure I get it.

So, creatively speaking, I haven't been up to much. I can make a 3 minute bed. Whoop dee do. I've decided I don't like having a job. Well, who does, eh? Some people. People who choose a career, I guess. Today my mother tells me my sister gets to go to Mexico on a trip with her whole office, as some kind of treat. I said, "Hmm. Nice." Pause. She said, "I was trying to make you see how going to college and getting a degree is a good idea." Ah, circuituous. I mean I never would have gotten that she was trying to say something with that. Pretty funny. But I don't like to travel anyway, so it didn't make me jealous or whatever she wanted. Sheesh.

Cuz you can't jump the track... Hmm. WOW. What a song. Yeek.

Since maybe October of last year... Um. My earphones are short circuiting. I can't move my head. Or it'll screw it up. It's like TV antennas. Pfft. Nasty.

And I feel like I'm naked in front of the crowd... That's right, I'm still listening to it. Geez. I should get to sleep. I should make a video. I should write another novel or publish the one I haven't published yet. I should make an album of weird techno dance music with a depressing Gothic sort of angle. Just cuz I think I can plug my synthesizer into my computer. And it'll be okay if my voice sounds weird and far away. But I have no musical talent. What can I tell ya?

So cradle your head in your hands... Well now, aren't one hour dramas depressing as hell? And disturbing. And bad to watch right before you go to bed. Yes. Thank God Jin is alive. That's something. "Others." Hee. I love Lost! Among other things. I'm a TV freak. I bought a second VCR. I only have two channels. Well, thank God, huh? How many VCRs can I own?! So accusing, their eyes, like they have any right to criticize...

Well, I've been up so long I'm starting to get hungry again. Shite. Better nip that in the bud. And here I go now. Off to bed.... hard to sleep with this song in my head. And speaking of Medium.... heh.

Chris on 09.30.05 @ 02:25 am [link]

Crash

I just had the crap scared out of me. I turned on my computer and AVG popped up saying it had found a trojan. Eeek!!! So I ran the AVG scanner and lo and behold all the files relating to my ebook came up having the trojan. (Which they did not actually, if you only read this far, the file is fine, fear not!) Every copy of the ebook and the software used to make the ebook. Plus the ebook I used to get blank banners to make my banners advertising the ebook. It was like some sick twisted otherworldly joke and a half. Grr. Anyway, it didn't give me a choice about what to do with them, it just went - blip - and suddenly all my files had disappeared and AVG said they were deleted. Mini heart attack. I checked though, and they had just been moved to the virus vault. Whew! Learn how to breathe again. I thought, This is what I get for not saving things to disk. Anyway, I downloaded 2 trojan detectors/removers, and neither found the trojan. Hmm. This took HOURS, by the way. At some point AVG updated itself, la la la, like it usually does, and I thought nothing of it. For some reason I decided to take my stuff out of the virus vault, or just one file, and test it. So I did. Tested it with AVG. It came up clean. Something I had taken OUT of the virus vault came up clean!!!! Uninfected!!!! GRRRR. So I took everything else out of the vault and tested them too. All fine. It's like it was a glitch in AVG and when it updated it corrected the glitch, and now it's fine. It was a false positive or something apparently. And it took up all of my afternoon and gave me many panicky freak outy moments. Super GRRRR.

That all may be very geeky of me to worry about, I don't know. Damn computers. Damn technology. Ahhh!!!! Speaking of me freaking out, cuz we may as well continue, and I have plenty of stories to choose from, my friend started reading my book. And she tells me, "I was so creeped out when he started making all those sexual advances towards her." I had a coughing fit and couldn't breathe and had to put down the phone. What??!! Oh my God! Totally freaked me out. There are no sexual advances in the book! Well, not between those characters anyway. And none at all in the beginning of the book. I just read the book 3 times or something, and, well, I wrote it, I say there are no creepy sexual advances! But anyway, this just goes to show you everyone will interpret things differently. No matter what you think you're writing, someone will see it in a completely different way than you intended. And you can freak out and have a coughing attack too. Yeah! Anyway, she pointed out the exact moments she was talking about and they really are... harmless. But open to interpretation, I guess. Phew! Cuz I was so super innocent when I wrote that book, I would NEVER have put anything blatantly sexual in there. Shite! Book number 2, however, yow. I wake up in a panic about releasing that one. But I will. Cuz I'm either a masochist or brave or stupid. So, it'll be out there. And I will freak out.

Crap, think of all the anti trojan things that are going to load on startup from now on. Shit! I'll have to disable that somehow. Plus my start menu is so huge now I can't see all the links on it. It doesn't scroll horizontally, apparently. I download a lot of stuff. Shame on me! Okay, now I'm calm. Ha!

I kept having nightmares recently. Two nights in a row. One night there was a war and I was in a house with friends and ninja people broke in the windows and killed all the young men in a gory fashion. It looked like a bomb had gone off, but all they'd had were knives. And then there was an instant replay on the news, and funnily enough I looked away. Like I hadn't just seen it all in person. Blech. Anyway, it was all very real and I woke up and believed it for a few seconds. Then realized it wasn't true and was relieved. The next night I dreamed this gigantic guy kept holding a gun to my head, and whenever he'd move the gun away I'd smack him. Which seems pretty stupid, but it was darn satisfying. But then I wrote in my paper diary for hours and figured out what was freaking me out, and then last night I didn't have any nightmares. Pretty nice. I hate nightmares. Well, who doesn't?

We have more people at work now. So I'm not being overworked all to heck anymore. But now I don't have enough hours. Nice catch 22, eh? I hate my life. Not really. I think I should release a gazillion books, at least all the ones I have in my head, and see what happens. Make myself a living that way. What else am I gonna do? It's the only thing I want to do. I try to find other stuff, but no. The other day I decided I wanted to refinish old furniture. Like dressers and desks and stuff. Things with handles. Cuz I'd like to replace the handles with things. Conservative normal things, just other handles, whatever. It all made sense at the time. And this is what comes of watching HGTV constantly, even while at work. Cuz we can have the TV on in our rooms. Of course then I'm only listening to it, but still. It seeps in. And I'm all crazy addicted to it. It's something to do, and apparently all my mother and I can agree on.

There's a little orange "e" down in the taskbar. Must be something I downloaded. I forget the name of that one. Geeez. Even if I would uninstall the things I don't use. That would be nice. That would free up space on my start menu. Cuz who needs all that crap??!

I need water. And I have to take a shower. And I'm so relieved that all my Mandra files are fine. Phew! Thank God! Okay. What a crazy bunch of days. Shizam. Hey, I have 3 paydays this month. Ha! Every month should be that way. Let's make all months 45 days long, but still have rent be the same amount per month. Cheaper, see?

Okay, I'm still all abuzzzzz from all the drama. There is just no appeasing me. 'Looks up "appeasing".' Oh yeah, okay, that fits. Okay. Breathe, breathe. I guess I'll go take a shower now. And go do laundry. And plan the rest of my life and make it a good one. What? Whatever! The parts I can control anyway. The careery parts. And the home decorating parts. Heh. Gotta go now! Later.

Chris on 09.12.05 @ 06:25 pm [link]

Fortune favors the brave

I just like that saying. And, okay, I just heard it in a Buffy ep. Niiiice. Anyhoo. I have to market my book now. Apparently it's hard even to give away a book. For freezies! That's not a word. I know. I had to go to a housekeeping meeting today on my day off. Uncool! It was alright, but now we have all these new rules. So many that it's like starting a new job and relearning everything. YIKES. Argh. Not going to be fun. Plus I have to be purposely rude to guests of the hotel now. Shutting their doors in their faces if they want in their rooms. As I leave their rooms, I mean. I hate that stuff! And I am also forced to take breaks now. Shit. I hate breaks! Breaks make me feel like I'm wasting time. I guess it will be fine. Sigh.

Hey, I made some banners for my book. They are on the main page and two of the video pages. I didn't have time to put them all over the site. Plus, overkill, I don't know if I should put them all over the site. I'll think on it. I was thinking of making buttons too. Perhaps, perhaps, perhaps.

I have to get my driver's license photo taken next week. I was hoping to have lost more weight before that happened. But I've lost 20 pounds. That's pretty good. I'm not skinny yet, though. I do believe I could stand to lose another 50. Puts a lovely mental image in your mind, doesn't it? Hee. Oh, such goals. To be thin again, to make a living from novel writing, and to be debt free. Plus love and houses and kids and puppies if the Universe is feeling generous.

*<-- you are here. Wait, will that not show up? Was that a comment tag? Damn. I don't know.

I just looked it up. It's not a comment tag. Phew! Cool.

Hey! Serenity might not be coming to my town! The Firefly movie. So, everybody who can, go out and see it so it'll be so popular they'll play it in podunk little towns like the one I live in. K? ?

In other news... what a freaking gigantic hurricane! That's all I really know about it. Freakishly HUGE. Sad. Why do hurricanes have such pretty names? It's weird. Sigh. I know someone named Katrina. Hmm.

Hey... I got nothin'.

Hey! It's cold in here. But not too bad. Do I really have to take breaks at work? Nooooo!!!!

Anyway. I want to publish more books. But I have to get people downloading this one first. Reading it, whatnot. It kind of matters more to me that people read it than that people buy it. People should do what they want. And when I have lots of novels written, maybe the sales from them all combined will be enough to live on. Pipe dreams, eh? And so time consuming! I wish I had more time. I've got enough stories in my head. I just need to multiply myself by like 5. Yeah, that should do it. For now.

Darnit, soon I have to go do laundry. Oh, well. At least it's still my day off. And tomorrow too. I've been eating junk food all day. Not good. I'll eat some protein before I go. I bet I spelled protein wrong. 'Spell check on aisle seven!' Heh.... Yep, sure enough I spelled it wrong. I fixed it now, though. All better. (Need a life, need a life...)

Stuffed animals and cows and water and sunset. Just a bunch of random words. I've run out of topics to talk about. I write until the vertical scroll bar is just about an inch high. Weird, no? Hee.

Laundry, laundry, la la la la londry. Why isn't laundry spelled londry. Maybe someday it will be. Language being created by us humans and all. And us getting lazier and lazier with the spelling. Words getting shorter and shorter. Like... "thru" will soon be more than just slang spelling, dooood.

Here's a Buffybot smile --> Heh.

I sure am in love with the italics today. Italics. Whoop! Annnnddd... now the sun is going down on my crappy day. Damn, what a waste. Well, maybe sitting around doing nothing isn't really a waste. Maybe a person needs to do that every once in a while, right? Yes? You agree? Sigh. I am not looking forward to the rest of my life. That's never a good sign. I have to change my future. I guess. By changing my present and whatnot. It's possible. It can be done. I wish I could decide on some money-making solid career that I'd like. Like physical therapy. Or....????? It's been in my head lately, what can I say? I knew a girl in college who wanted to be that. I wish I had something like that that I was sure about. Like "Bing! This is my future." But, no. It's just me and my writing and my bad marketing skills... boooo. Medical transcription? Paralegal? Accountant? Realtor? (Let's all laugh together at that one...... cuz I'm so shy. I've been told - today.) But shy people can be actors. Look at Mia Farrow. Hmm? Not that acting is a solid profession. You either really succeed or really fail at that one. Yikes. No guarantee of anything. Not safe. I'll try it later.

That paragraph was too big. It had to be stopped.

Moving on. Ah, people with big nice houses. Must be nice. Sigh. Random. I had to housesit one once. It had a pool. (Which is apparently normal in warmer parts of the country, but not here.) Snow. Hey, I bought a winter coat today. Online. I hope it fits. It's actually my betweeny coat. I have a 20 degrees or below coat. And a 40 degrees or above coat. Now I just need a 30-39 degrees coat. Well, and now I have one. It's gray. I was stupid enough to buy a hot pink coat years ago, and I'm still stuck with it. Bleck! That can be my next coat purchase. A neutral lightweight coat. How boring this discussion must be for you all. I love coats and properness and neutral colors.... happy sigh. Viiiirrrrrgo. Weeee! Soon I will be older than dirt. I have another birthday coming up. Yes, another! Hate that. The vertical scroll bar is about half an inch now. I've babbled on way too long, yes? Si, si.

I guess I'll go do my darn laundry now then. Ta ta.

Chris on 09.01.05 @ 07:44 pm [link]