The Matrix Has You

I was at work this morning, shuffling papers and whatnot, and listening to the idle chit chat around me. It was such a weird knee-jerk drawn out conversation, it was like the pieces were memorized beforehand and just plugged in where they go. I wondered if the people having the idle chit chat were even aware of their conversation. It was like they were on auto pilot. Though it all sounded real enough. And at that moment it flashed through my mind, "The Matrix has you."

Ahhhh! I tried to avoid having a desk job for so long that sometimes when I'm walking into work in the morning I can almost here the Universe saying, "Gotcha." Silent scream. You sneaky Universe! It's so bizarre. A desk job is too comfy. When I cleaned for a living it was hard work. If I had a strain or a sore muscle and I had to keep going going going anyway, that sucked. Or even to have a cold and be racing around, almost falling over, etc. Yuck. But this, this is so weird. It's soooo cozy. There are birthday cards and paid vacation and idle conversation breaks. My muscles aren't sore at the end of the day. At my last job I skipped lunch because it slowed me down, had an energy bar and kept working. Then I came home and ate 2 dinners and had 3 glasses of Gatorade to get back my lost electrolytes. Every day! And I think when you do that stuff it motivates you to get the hell out of that job. Makes you work on your writing or whatever your dream is. But now, everything is too darn comfy. But I am publishing a novel a year. It's not like I'm not doing anything. Yes, so far they have been free ones. But not this next one.

Speaking of which, they were giving away something at work that they never give away and I almost didn't care.... Then I realized it's exactly the thing I was going to take a picture of for the cover of my book, and I was planning to go out and buy this something. But now I don't have to! Duhh. Can't believe I almost missed that. And it's very kismet-y too, idnit? Hee.

Phew! Life. The sky is filled with smoke again. Peachy. Hey, it's a 3 day weekend! Which is why I'm in here right now. There will be no time for blogging for the next few days. I will be editing the book again and apparently taking pictures for the cover. Possibly printing the book out to proofread on paper. Don't know how far I'll get with all this. I'll start with the photos. But I don't have time today. I have a little time before laundry, and then grocery shopping. I like to get that stuff over with before the weekend really starts.

Hey, I took 3 days off in September too, just.... well, cuz it's my birthday, and because I need a break and because I could always use more days to work on this book stuff. So, I actually did that! All my vacations from work are to work on one of my books. Always. And it's great. It's exactly what I need to be doing and then I feel better after having done it. Usually when I have a job the people around me are perfectly happy with their job and wouldn't mind staying there forever. Even at fast food restaurants. It's disturbing. I have yet to meet someone on my travels who has aspirations above where they are. Except the college girls at the hotel. Interesting. But they were only there for 3 months. Anyway, I feel like a dork at work for wanting something more. MORE. Cuz I'm not there yet. I want to be on that higher mountain over there. One I've been staring at all my life. I once had a dream of Isabel, the main character in my first novel, staring at a mountain range in the distance and wanting to go there. Okay, for one thing I feel how she feels, and for another--I thought it was so damn cool that I invented a character and then my brain used her in a dream to speak to me!!!! Haha!! Weeeee! Anyway.

One of my little tricks for downloading videos off of You Tube crapped out the other day. I think You Tube is on to us. Duurrrr. But I found another gadget and I downloaded 2 videos just fine. I do plan to buy a lot of these albums. Because of hearing the songs in music videos. BUT... I'm too poor right now. I'm saving for ink cartridges and camera batteries and website domain and hosting and copyright fees and everything else it will take to publish and promote this book of mine. I'm trying to be really professional about it cuz it's just me. Next I have to write a blurb (you know, the little paragraph that makes the book sound exciting so people will buy it), and choose an excerpt. I'm getting so close to being done! I can't believe I'm even brave enough to do this now. But yes I can really. The time is just right. I really thought I'd be 90 before it happened, though. Surprise surprise.

I used to have this image in my head of a disaster happening and I somehow make sure my writing survives, even if I don't. Fire, flood, earthquake, Apocalypse. Whatever it was. Wow. Is it weird I don't feel that way anymore? It's because of the comfy desk job! It's because I chose whatever pill sends you back into the Matrix! Ahhhhh!!!! Or.... alternatively.... it could just be that I'm growing up. Which is about damn time considering how old I am. Shite.

Ugh. I am actually in the middle of a Smallville episode right now that's new to me. And I'm not anxious to find out the ending???? I started watching it at breakfast. Then a little at lunch. At lunch, in the episode, this drugged out looking girl started to cough and I thought, "Here comes the blood." And even though I knew it was coming, it still grossed me out! A lot. I think I had to resist the urge to vomit. Smallville has never made me have to resist the urge to vomit! That's ER! Bleck. And sometimes Alias is pretty vomit-worthy. But mostly Alias is a bunch of stuff that will send you into therapy. I've never seen so many severed body parts on one show. Not even ER! But I digress. Coughing up blood. Disgusting sight. It gives me the heebie jeebies. Too much realism! I said to the TV, "I just ate!" TV did not care. Pfft.

God, I can still smell the smoke in here. Yeck. And I'm tired and my neck hurts and 'wahhhhh'. (That was me crying. Check out the crying smilie: Whateva.) I was gonna launch into a paragraph about what music I'm listening to right now. And really, I listen to the same tape over and over in the car for 6 months or so. Before I switch it. I like things becoming really familiar. I never rearrange my furniture. I know people who do that regularly, as a rule. ??? I don't buy new clothes until my old ones have fallen apart and become unusable. Or I "outgrow" them. Literally "out" grow instead of "up" grow. Teeheehee. What?

Sigh. Friday night. But a 3 day weekend! Whoop! I need chocolate. I really really do. I can buy some! Oh, I got this wild idea to make an album of music. You know, write songs. I want to find out what my musical style is. Hmmmm.... I think it will be dancy sad techno moody bluesy acoustic guitar/piano sort of.... spooky pop. I think that sums it up. Spooky pop. Okay then! When I have the time. "If I could." -Spike on Buffy. He's speaking to Willow. See, that would seem to be one of those trivial quotes I was talking about, eh? Yeahh.... But it fit the tone of what I was saying...

Water. "We're thirsty!" -Sluk infested guy on Angel. I'm sure the character has a name, but I forget it. But I remembered what a sluk was! Dammit! Geeek!!!! Hehe. Whatever.

Okay, I forgot to mention the music. That I'm listening to. Here is the current mixed CD I concocted:

"Little Wonders" -Rob Thomas
"It's Not Over" -Daughtry
"Fallin'" -Alicia Keys
"Big Girls Don't Cry" -Fergie
"If Everyone Cared" -Nickelback
"Hips Don't Lie" -Shakira
"Breathe" -Anna Nalick
"Better Than Me" -Hinder
"Meet Virginia" -Train
"Hurt" -Christina Aguilera
"Before He Cheats" -Carrie Underwood
"Sober" -Kelly Clarkson
"Face Down" -Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"Breathe" -Michelle Branch
"Overfire" -THC
"Behind Those Eyes" -3 Doors Down

Hmm. But I'm taking out the slow sad songs and the sexy songs because they are not work friendly. Not even in the car on the way to work. Don't want to be in certain mindsets. So.... sanitized for work, I've changed it to this:

"Little Wonders" -Rob Thomas
"It's Not Over" -Daughtry
"Big Girls Don't Cry" -Fergie
"If Everyone Cared" -Nickelback
"Breathe" -Anna Nalick
"Better Than Me" -Hinder
"Before He Cheats" -Carrie Underwood
"Sober" -Kelly Clarkson
"Face Down" -Red Jumpsuit Apparatus
"Behind Those Eyes" -3 Doors Down
"Let Me Go" -3 Doors Down
"Home" -Daughtry
"Saving Me" -Nickelback

Hmm. Not bad. I took out 2 songs just cuz they were too happy too. Go figure. God, I have GOT to end this entry now. It is so damn long. Shite! Okay. A quote before I leave? "I rued the day once. Didn't get a whole lot else done." -Chandler on Friends. Hehe.

Later.

Chris on 08.31.07 @ 07:13 pm [link]

Mameha

Sheesh. Titles. I loooove the character of Mameha in Memoirs of a Geisha. More so in the book for some reason. Well, in the book they really are very intricately made up all the time. In the movie, their hair is flopping around and their faces aren't painted white. Still a very good movie, just not.... true to the details. I have no idea why I am talking about this now. Why not?

It's better than whatever I was actually going to say. Hmm. I got all panicked last night before bed because one of my windows wasn't locked. I have no idea why. It hasn't been locked for YEARS. I got tired of locking and unlocking it, so I left it unlocked. Then I stopped using the window cuz I got an air conditioner. Then last night out of the blue I thought of how easy it would be for someone to break in with that thing unlocked. So, I go over to the window to lock it and I can't see anything cuz it's dark outside. So, I can't do it! It's this weird little gadget you have to attach to the window track. Complicated. So, I left it. I decided I've been fine for years, one more night will be okay. Then I woke up for every small sound. Great! Anyway, I came home from work and figured out how the lock works again and all is fine. ??!! Weird!

Part of me thought maybe I was having a premonition and I should listen to it. Like maybe someone was going to try to break in and I should fix the window. You know, "Don't get on the plane!" That kind of a warning. But I don't have premonitions. Not really. I had a really bad feeling before my cousin died, but I could never have pinpointed it. Weird things happened right before she died, though. In the week before she died I went to a funeral for the first time ever. And I went to a graveyard for photography class or something and I hadn't been to one in years. And the night before she died I glanced at the shirt I was going to wear the next day and got a really horrible feeling. (After that I swear I thought that shirt was cursed! I think another bad thing might have happened when I was wearing it and then I threw it out!) Another thing happened the week before she died too, like for the first time in years I went to the playground at the fair grounds where we used to play all the time as kids. There was more, this was 17 years ago, it's hard to remember everything. Anyway, if I had been paying attention, I might have noticed someone was trying to tell me something. Not that I think I could have stopped it, but.... maybe? Ah! These are grim thoughts. That has got to be the worst thing that's ever happened to me. Which feels weird to say, cuz it happened to her, not me, but you know what I mean. Hmm.

Damn, I was gonna be funny in this entry too. Dammit! Oh well. You win some, you lose some.

I worked on my book this weekend. I fixed all the.... naughty words. But some of them I just changed to other naughty words, and then I thought, "Hello! Wasn't the point to get rid of those? Ah well." So, it was counterproductive, I guess. But whatever it is it's done. I saved it to a CD. Works pretty well. I still have to go change other stuff, though. I slip into present tense when I should be in past tense, and vice versa. That's the biggest one. Found a few typos too. OOo! Today at work I suddenly knew exactly what I want the cover to be. Eeeee! It doesn't necessarily fit the themes of the book, but I think it's perfectly what I want it to be anyway. Ha!

You know, I realize this book may be my masterpiece. It's pretty weird. It's the best thing I've ever written, and it may be the best thing I ever write. And I'm publishing it under a pen name. Pretty weird. But I have to. Says I. Though I don't seem to mind people knowing I wrote something like it, do I? Strange, but true. "Violence and crime, sad to say." -Nandi on Firefly. Love that line.

I love the character of Nandi. I thought of making that part of my pen name, but I didn't do it. Tooooo derivative or something. Too unique. I don't know. But I did include her in the name in some way. Ha! I'm so weird. Everything has to mean something to me. It's all very important. Ah, I see. Nandi, Mameha, I see a theme forming here. Hmm.

Sigh. See, to change the subject, last night I was watching a Supernatural episode (my favorite one at the moment, "Faith", but anyway...) and in it Sam just pushes open a window and steps into a house. And I thought, "Look at that. Within 10 seconds. People are so stupid, not locking their windows. May as well leave the door unlocked too...." Hypocritical, I know! But I didn't think of my window then. It hit me later, right as I was going to bed, and totally freaked me out. What's that about? Well, I thought of Brad Pitt leaving his window open and his stalker waltzing right in and putting on his clothes or whatever. Eeek! (That soooo would happen to Lex Luthor on Smallville. Oh, wait! It did!) And I thought of my mother's back door and how I said she should get a dead bolt. She: "Why?" Me: "Because this door is really easy to break into." She: "How? It's solid," blah blah blah. I said with a credit card. She didn't believe me. So, she took an old credit card, went outside, and I locked her out. Within 20 seconds she had broken into the back door with the credit card. So, she believed me, but she still didn't get a dead bolt! Instead she put a hole in the wall! Okay, a doggy door, but whatever! That is so freaky. Also, once, my best friend, who never locks her doors (as if she lives in Mayberry) came home to find the attic panel thing open and she didn't even look up there or wonder or worry what the hell had happened while she was away. ????!!!!!!!! I get so freaked out when people do this. When they don't care. What a weird paragraph this is! I don't know. Yeeshk.

I'm really thirsty on Mondays all the time. I don't know why. I just suck down the water on Mondays. Hmm. Very strange. Have not been able to figure it out. I really drank a lot of it today. Must have needed it. Hmm....!

Why am I here....??!! In the blog, I mean, not on the planet. Wow. Tired tired tired. Bahhhh...hhh.. The top of my head hurts. I thought it was because my barrette was pulling my hair, but I'm not wearing it now. Vitex is making me nauseous and tired. And a little headachey. I can't remember why I started taking it, but I'll see what happens and then maybe I'll remember. It was for girl problems, I just don't remember which ones. All of them! Why not?

Hey, my stomach muscles are getting stronger. Pilates. Nice. My legs too, which was unintentional. I was just trying to fix my back. Ha! Bonus. I should take my birthday off at work. I should take that whole week off. If I do, I'd better ask for it soon. I reeeaaaallly need a break. Oooo, I could take a week and make a video! But I will probably just work on my book. Creating the cover I see in my head. Proofreading over and over and over again.... Finally publishing the darn thing. Filling out the copyright forms, mailing them in with a check. Details, details.

I really have no segue into, "Okay, buh bye now." Hm. I like not being crazy. That was really not a segue of any sort. Hey, "segue" was the first big word I used in front of family members and for years afterwards whenever I used a big word, they would say, "'Segue'!" And laugh like it was actually funny. ???! I digress.

I should probably eat some food. I always say that. But I always write in here before dinner. What can I say?? Have you ever surfed the net reading conspiracy theories? I did that yesterday. No wonder I was paranoid before bed! DAmmmn! Cuz some of it, "I Want to Believe." Ah, you know the drill. Someone actually spelled the name "Mulder" for me today. Thanks, I got it. 'Cries into her pillow.' I hate living in a pop-culture-free zone!

Later.

Chris on 08.27.07 @ 07:38 pm [link]

Sacred Heart

Okay, I'm only calling this entry that because I just had to call the Sacred Heart Medical Center and ask them to send records. And I have no other good title cooked up! And I've still got work on my brain. WOW.

My partner in crime at work is out all week and I have to be her too, and it's all very... busy. And stressful. At the beginning of the week my entire body was clenched into a fist. My throat was so tight the only way to raise my voice was to force it, which made me sound angry. Which I guess I was. Then I analyzed myself and realized what my problem was and took some Valerian, and the rest of the week has been okay. WOW. Which is weird. That I could be okay in that situation.

See I realized I was angry because I had to let people help me. Which I hate. With a passion. And once I realized that's why I was angry, it went away. And it's funny how much more organized I have to be to let people help me. (Lots of sorting....) Funny! It's so bizarre. Mountains of paperwork. Oodles of phone calls. I think I've gotten most of the anger out of my voice. I may have gotten my semi-pleasant telephone voice back. Bah!

Phew! The week is almost over! One more day! Whoop! Plus the forest fire smoke is gone. That makes me a heck of a lot happier too. In another week or so there is Labor Day. Quiet whoop. I'll be working on my book, but that's cool. I haven't had time to, and now I do. Yeah.... Even if it is more work. I can't believe that doesn't bother me right now. That after a week of work, I have to work all weekend. Weird. What's wrong with me??!!!

Who cares? I'll take it. If I'm in a good mood for no reason, so be it. My brain is silly. I thought up the funniest thing to say in here the other day, and now it's totally gone. Ohhhh wellllll. No more Valerian for me. Yo. I didn't take any today. I think it builds up and makes me super tired all the time. Just one pill! On the bottle I think it says to take 3, 3 times a day. ????! I always only need the smallest imaginable dose of anything and I'm good. Very sensitive, I guess. Something. Which makes me think homeopathy would work well with me. But I'm not brave enough to try it yet. Someday! You have to get a special toothpaste to take homeopathic remedies. Wow! Which I have. Boring unminty. I think it might be orange. Orange flavored. ? Or something. I forget.

I happily forget. Which is weird. It's like I'm drunk without being drunk. "Xander, what's wrong with you?" -Willow on Buffy. From the episode.... sheesh is it called "Hyena"???? OOOO--no, "The Pack". Right? Right. Phew! Okay. Maybe I'll get to sleep early tonight or something. Yow. Silly.

I took a new herb just now. It tasted like pepper. Okay, it was vitex. That's always written in italics, vitex. Like that's it's Latin name? Or part of it. It's Chaste Tree Berry or something. In layman's terms. Probably capitalized like that. Wow, I'm focusing on the wrong elements of that subject. Anyway, it's a good herb and should help me with many problemas. That was Spanish, not a typo. Jeesh.

Hey, I got a bruise on my leg! That's not exciting. Well, it is kind of fun. Admit it. Anyway, there's a piece of wood holding up the desk at work and sometimes I bump my leg on it. Only when I'm stupid or in a hurry. Ouch. Cuz it's very sharp and pointy and I avoid it usually. Hmm. Speaking of work bruises. At my last job, hotel housekeeper, I had bruises on my shins, at a certain level, constantly. They never went away the whole 6 months I worked there. From leaning over the bathtub to clean the shower walls. Room after room after room. And I was in a hurry, and I didn't want to stand in the tub. That would get it dirtier and also it's probably wet and that would be dangerous. So, bruises on my shins. We didn't have mops and we had to get down on our hands and knees to clean the floors. But I didn't, I found a way to soap up a rag and clean the floor with my foot. This is such a lame story. I got really used to smelling bleach. People would walk into a bathroom I was cleaning and go, "Woa! How can you stand it in there?!" Me: "What, does it smell bleachy?" "YEAH." Weird! When I first got there I could smell it just fine. I think it gave me a perpetual cough. Anyway. I'm just counting my blessings that I don't have that job anymore. There was one day when I was the only one scheduled to work. Hello! Someone came in on their day off to help me. That was nice. It was still crazy and insane. BAH. This is very boring. I was going to tell you the evils of not having a head housekeeper, but I think you would find it quite boring. Not me, I could ramble for hours. Not good. Not bad....

I need food. I bet rushing around all day hither and yon makes me need more calories. What do you think? I think so. Cuz there is a lot of walking at my desk job. Which is okay. I get all cramped up just sitting there. My neck and shoulders. They just lock right up. Nice. Cuz some days I just sit there.... working on the computer.... yeah, I guess you got that. Bpfft. Hmm. Sleepy.... <--there's that damn smilie sleeping with his eyes open again! Dammit! Lol. Like me. I'm asleep right now, man.... what--WHAT?!

That was me faking waking up. Who does that? Hahahahhaaa. I may be hysterical. I just spelled out my laughter. But it's more fun than writing ROFLMFAO. Hehe. No, it's not. Muahahaha.

Damn! If this was a movie someone would have to slap me back to my senses so I could defuse the bomb even though I was just forced at gunpoint to drink some sillyfying potion.... like, uh.....? I don't know! Hey, that happened on Alias! ROFLMFAO.!!!

Too drunk. (I don't drink! I'm not drunk! Disclaimer! Disclaimer!) @#$$@!!! Hehe. Anyway. Sheeeesh. I was thinking earlier about how bad I am at telling the truth. I mean when I tell the truth it seems like I'm lying. It's so weird. So nobody'd better ever question me after a crime, cuz I'll say I didn't do it, but in a way that instantly makes me a prime suspect. Shit! Swear to GOD, don't know why. Cuz I'm so evasive anyway, that when someone asks me a direct question, I think carefully about the answer first and then I say it, in a deliberate kind of way. Which f_cking sounds like lying. Dammit! (I could say the f-word in here if I wanted to, I am the site owner after all, I just thought it needed a little softening there. You see? Like a stool softener. I'm kidding!!! Hehehehee.) "Get off the crack pipe." I can't remember who said that. Probably one of my sisters. (But there was never a real crack pipe! Disclaimer! Disclaimer!) Hehehee.

Shit, I must remember not to post when I've had too much Valerian and too much work. Damn. Oh, yeah, I was gonna call this entry "Valerian", but I forgot. But man does it ever seem more appropriate. Am I right? "Am I right?"-said by Chandler haltingly on Friends. Don't know which episode. "SNAFU. Situation normal. All fucked up."-a Kurt Russell movie, I can't remember which one.... Tango and Cash! And apparently no one said that in the movie, they said "FUBAR". Ah, whatever. Ruin my beautiful memories..... I don't actually think I've ever seen that movie. Heehee.

I gotta go! Before the world spins off of its axis from my hyper tiredness. Weeee! Phew! Someone explain this mood. Dayum!

Later.

Chris on 08.23.07 @ 07:37 pm [link]

Baby crows

I may have to watch Bionic Woman. I was a big fan of the original TV show even though I was a little kid and really had no idea what was going on. I think I liked it when she jumped and stuff. I just waited for that and spaced out everything else. And is that the one where it made that certain 'boiyoiyoing' music right before she jumped or did something bionic? Or was that the 6 million dollar man? Anyway! I had a Bionic Woman Barbie doll. Whoop! Her leg opened up and you could see computer parts. Coooool. Ahhhhh!

I hate new TV shows. They take up so much time. Before the bad ones get weeded out, I mean. It's too hard to tell which ones are bad from the ads. There are ones that don't interest me. Mostly those are ones based on reality. I can go to work or chat with my pals if I want reality. Barf. Or, God forbid, read the news. Escapism! That's what I'm into. Science fiction/fantasy. I like Men in Trees and Scrubs. Those are based on reality. Ha!

I once saw some men in trees, cutting branches or whatever, with an orange sign beneath them that said "Men Working". I thought, "Close enough! Men in Trees! Muahahahahahaaaa!" Yes, funny only to me.

I saw some baby crows the other day. At least I think that's what they were. They looked just like crows but much smaller. Maybe they are wangdoodles or some other creature that I just don't know about, but they acted like crows too. They liked to hop and run instead of fly. So cute. One of them took off across the parking lot running on its little legs. Ahhh! It reminded me of The Partridge Family, with the.... partridges. You know, walking. Pfft. Okay!

Yeah, I almost forgot the name of those birds on The PARTRIDGE Family. Geesh. !

Man, it's dark outside. It's 3 in the afternoon. Lighten up! Wasn't I just the other day complaining it was too sunny? Bah! Hey, I got my flash drives in the mail. Guess what!?? They don't work. My computer can see them and all, but it won't let me open them. Or format them, which it seems obsessed with doing. I decided I'm just going to save all my stuff to CDs. I have to get this book finished, come Hell or high water, so I'm just going to have to improvise. When things like this happen, do you think it's the Universe's way of telling you to stop doing what you're doing? Or do you think it's the Universe's way of making you work through obstacles so you can see for yourself how devoted you are to making something happen? I never can tell! There are people who say follow the path of least resistance, cuz that's where you're supposed to be. Then there are people who put people down for following the path of least resistance, saying they are lazy and floating through life. What?! Make up your minds!

Easy tends to win out over difficult a lot though, doesn't it? Cuz it's... duh... easy. Easy like only having 5 good work outfits because I don't care about looking cute. I think of it as my uniform. So maybe easy is like that. It's for the stuff that doesn't matter. And for the stuff that does matter, you go the best way, whether it's easy or difficult. What do you think? Hmmm. Who knew I had this on my mind? But, whatever. I'm philosophical cuz it's dark outside. Woohoo.

Bionic woman. You know what's funny? When people are asked what super power they would have if they could and they say, "I don't know, that's a good question." Whatever. I totally know what super power I would have. Super strength. This is a no brainer for me. Being some kind of bullet proof along with that would be good. Invincible and strong. Okay, how weird. But really! So many things in my life could have been avoided if I could have picked a man up and thrown him at the wall. YEAH. No offense to men in general. I'm sure most of you are very nice. But some of you would now be at the bottom of a cliff or thrown through a window or something if I had super powers. And then I'm sure I'd feel bad no matter how much I thought they deserved it in the moment. Baah! Still, even enough super strength to stop someone and say, "Mm, I don't think so." HA!

Wow. Angry. <--there's the angry smilie. Pretty pissy, I guess.

It is really stormy and windy outside now. I swear I couldn't hear the wind before. Now it's howling. Damn. I hope it doesn't jolt the power out before I have a chance to post this. I'm feeling all woman powery lately. Angry. Whatever. Trying to straighten things out in my life. Oo, sirens are added to the howling wind and stormy sounds. A night for drama. Interesting. Thunder. And now the sound of rain. Gray skies. No wonder I'm in a good mood. Such a weirdo.

Oooohhhhh, if I had the time and technology I would do so many things. The latest video idea has been put on hold. My book has not been worked on because of data storage issues. I should stop being so angry. It's just a transition phase. It won't last forever.

Now the rain is pounding.

My eyes hurt. I don't know why. Too much staring at the computer screen. Moody. Here come Smallville spoilers from 2 years ago. Beware if you're as behind as I am. I can't believe they killed off Jonathan Kent! I was so bummed out. NOooooooo! I kept expecting it to be a dream or for Clark to go bargain with Jor-El like he always does. Whatever. But then it stuck. This death stuck. I was also super pissed that they killed off cool sheriff lady. She was AWESOME! She was just like, well, our sheriff lady here in real life. She was just so real. You never get to see that on TV. Probably our real sheriff lady here isn't so wisecracking, but still cool. Anyway.

A flash of lightning. Eek.

I hope this weather isn't the beginning of winter. But actually that would be good. Maybe this rain will help put out some of the forest fires. Summer isn't very summery and delightful this year. It's all smoke and ash. And flames, sometimes you can see them. Whoopdeedoo. The storm seems to have died down a bit.

"'Soon my electro-ray will destroy Metropolis.'" -Buffy on Buffy (cuz sometimes she's on Angel, I have to differentiate!) Yes, it's Buffy quoting Lex Luthor. I know. Weird, right? Heh.

There, I just spaced out Googling. I hear the sirens again. Hmm.

Well, this looks like a long entry about nothing. But since I wrote it I may as well post it. Eh? Sheesh. "And you're fired again." -Robin on Buffy. Hey, these quotes make sense to me. Or maybe they don't, but they sure make me chuckle. I thought of writing this character, who's in a mental institution or whatever, who speaks only in movie and TV show quotes. But what an ordeal to write it! And they are the only one who knows the big answer to the big problem and people have to descramble all their quotey conversation, their riddles, to get the info. Soo coool. Plus it'd be fun for people to watch and try to guess where everything they said came from. It'd be a very dense script. Jam packed with delicately crafted quote combinations. Wow. Something for a bored writer to do. Yeesh. Or one with a lot of time and no better ideas to work with. It's very gimmicky. Hmmph.

"And you're fired again."

So funny. Hee. Me and my sister used to memorize trivial quotes from things. Like what people say right before they go buy a donut or something. Not all the, "Pop quiz, asshole. You have a hair trigger aimed at your head. What do you do? What do you do?"-Speed. Bwahahahha! Okay, I like the good quotes too. Geez! Like Demi Moore's big monologue speech from A Few Good Men. We used to have racing quote-a-thons with that one. Drove people nuts. So geeky. But FUN! Speaking of the path of least resistance. Hmm. Full circle there, eh?

I really should get back to being bored on a Sunday. Now that the flash drives have frustrated me thoroughly. 'Cept it's almost laundry time. Woohoo! Okay, I'll go do that then. I also have to buy gas. Hope it's not still rainin'.

Later, peeps.

Chris on 08.19.07 @ 03:54 pm [link]

Ashes

Okay, I have a Shakira song stuck in my head. It's a good one. So, it's okay. I love her voice.

But I am having a bad day!!!! In terms of minor catastrophes. This morning I went outside to get in my car and there were THREE people on riding lawn mowers mowing the lawn around my building. So, I actually had to walk on the sidewalk instead of the grass, grr, and even then I had to sort of dodge them. Then I get in my car, go to work, la la la, come home from lunch and think, "Why is there broken glass in my parking spot? Who broke something in my parking spot?" I get out to look at the glass and--GASP! My headlight is broken!!!! Okay, that's what I thought at the time cuz I was all panicked. But it's really what I call the "blinker light", but what is apparently in the land of reality called the "corner light". Whatever.

It really bummed me out. Because another car couldn't have hit it. It was facing the sidewalk. I suspect it was a crazy riding lawn mower (if that is what they are really called). ! And they left no note! How rude! Many exclamation points in this story. Then I came home from work and someone had cleaned up the glass. So, no crime scene photos for me. Gah! But I was glad, cuz that's one less thing. Wow! And the bulb itself isn't broken. I tested it. It's just the outer covering. Still I'm annoyed. It makes me feel unsafe. Like I can be crashed into????!!! Ahhh! Drama.

My horoscope said to ignore minor setbacks today and embrace my inner strength. My horoscope totally kisses my ass. But really if someone wrote horoscopes that said, "You're wrong. You're always wrong. Everything you do is wrong, please stop now," would you read it? Heck no! Interesting. My horoscope basically says everyday, "Be kind to the idiots around you, they're not as wonderful as you." Hahaha. All that ass kissing must work. I still read it, don't I? Damn! Hey, I JUST realized all this. Be kind to me. I'm an idiot. (Took me 3 tries to spell the word "idiot". It was typolicious.)

Anyway. Blog title. There have been ashes on my car every morning for 3 days. Ashes from the forest fires. Just a light dusting of them. Lighter than a light dusting of snow even. I'm sure it's all having a jolly good time in my lungs, eh? Woooo! So much for that mountainy fresh air. The sun was red the other day. But then I thought, "Don't look at the sun!" So, I don't know what happened after that. Hee.

Hey, the other day I went to my mother's and she was watching some murder story on some documentary news show, you know the type. I can't remember which one. Then she tells me she knows exactly how to murder someone and get away with it. And this turned into a wife murdering a husband scenario immediately, like of course this is how it would be (hey, she's not married, don't worry!). She says she'd make him fire the gun at some point so he had gun powder residue on his hands, then she'd shoot him when he was standing up. So the blood splatter would be in the right place. Instead of shooting him while he's lying on the ground. And I said, "But don't stand in the way of the blood splatter, cuz then there'd be some sort of reverse silhouette in blood on the wall." And we laughed and laughed. And all in all I think we'd make a couple of bumbling idiot criminals. How would her plan prove she didn't kill him? Heh. Oops. It totally made sense at the time.

And you wonder where my murder dreams come from.

Lol. <--sometimes ya gotta do it. Yes, we are sick people. I totally understand. Bah. Someone said to me at work today, "And what about your father?" Me: "What about him?" She: "Where is he? You never talk about him." I told her he was living in another state. Then I asked her if she charged an hourly fee for these therapy sessions. Okay, I didn't ask that last part. Geez. But some questions I cannot answer without really getting into deep dark territory! Back away! Only I have the proper tools to hack through this jungle of insanity. Innocent bystanders do not get to play!

Really I'm not this prickly in real life. I told someone at work I'd been angry all day. Not today. Some other day. And they said, "Really? You get angry? When have you ever been angry?" I say again, "Do you charge for these therapy...." Okay, again, I did not ask that last part! Though, sometimes, completely unrelated to the above stories, I would like to be wearing a T-shirt that says, "I am [Whatever age I actually am, but I'm not going to tell you, cuz pah-hah! As if! Issues.]." But I don't mind the people at work knowing my actual age. They just seem to forget it. I mean I wish people would treat me like an adult and not someone fresh out of high school. Which they do a lot. It doesn't help that I'm not married and have no children and can't join in on the conversations of how my husband and/or children annoyed me recently. I feel left out! But kind of happy. If my kids and/or husband behaved like some of theirs, I'd be soooo mad. Madder. Heh.

Maybe a deer kicked my blinker light in. Hm. Anyway.

Oh, speaking of the absence of murder dreams (not that we were) I had a cool happening. Last night I dreamed my boss made me a Mickey Mouse cake, then today first thing in the morning we had a little meeting with her and she said her two year old was watching the Mickey Mouse Club so much recently she thought she'd go insane. I thought, "Ha!" A minor bit of information transferred through ESP. All my dreams that are kind of psychic are minor ones. Mostly. Except for the ones of people's babies being born. But at least those are nice. I had one dream once about a murder victim and fire, though. Then I found out she had been burned after she was murdered. Ick. I mean this was a dream of a real life murder victim. Not just a random made up person in my head. Anyway.

I knew a murder victim. She was an acquaintance of mine. Very nice. I knew her when I was a teen, so you can imagine how many eons ago this was. Anyway, her daughter was abducted and they never found her or who took her. Then she--the mom--many years later was found murdered in a hotel room in Mexico. She was staying there alone. Ick. And it is unsolved! I was just going to go online and look up the case and see what's happening. If anything. But then I got sidetracked by the bright lights of blog posting. "And here I am talking about my petty little problems." -Faith on Angel.

Okay, so that all certainly makes my little broken blinker light seem like no big deal, doesn't it? Damn it! At the end of today's horoscope it told me to find the silver lining in things. Well, there I found it. "Seize the moment. Cuz tomorrow you might be dead." -Buffy (of Buffy, in case that wasn't clear). I mean, yeah, my life ain't so bad.

I hate it when people correct my bad grammar. Cuz if you have to do that, you so don't know me. I only use proper grammar and spelling and punctuation, etc. when I'm working. And by "working", I mean "writing." When I'm off the writing clock, I don't use the good English. And sometimes I accidentally use my crazy bad funny grammar at work and people laugh at me like I'm such a silly young ignorant girl. BAM! "A fucking bullet..." -My Cousin Vinny. "....now I ask ya, would you give a fuck what kind of pants the son of a bitch who shot you was wearin'???!!" Hehe. I'm in a quotey mood. It happens in my head all day long anyway, I just thought I'd type it out today.

I had this whisper of a memory of a song stuck in my head this morning--or maybe last night. Anyway, I remembered the song, bits and pieces, but now it just hit me who sings it. Stevie Nicks, I think. "Stop draggin' my heart around. Stop draggin' my, stop draggin' my, stop draggin' my heart around." I kept thinking it was Joan Jett. I don't know what the hell is going on. Weeeird.

Well, it's time to eat dinner, and I've annoyed you for long enough no doubt. Hee. Okay, time for therapy. Wouldn't it be funny if I was living in a mental institution and was locked up, but every so often I escaped my room long enough to break into my shrink's office to hack into her computer to post in my blog? Wouldn't it????!!!!

Ah, sigh. I wonder if that would be soothing. I always thought it might. Being locked up in a mental ward. Ah, anyway, enough scaryness. I'd better go. Dinner isn't gonna make itself. (That's the microwave's job!) Okay, tootles.

"Laters!" -some blond airhead bitchy girl on Smallville who's name I don't recall. (Dawn! Or something.) You knew I had to throw in another quote.

Chris on 08.15.07 @ 07:17 pm [link]

Squinky

Phoebe/Friends word. I ran out of titles. Guess what I'm supposed to be doing! Writing! Or editing. But fate being what it is my computer's A drive or diskette drive or whatever you call it went on the fritz. It won't read disks anymore. Then I spent a good long amount of time online trying to find information on how to fix it. I could either clean it or replace it. To clean it, you need a special cleaning disk. Cuz, heh, I tried just opening up the little door and blowing in there. Did not work. Fine! Worth a try. Anyway, I searched for a while and finally found a place online that sells one. I bought it. La la la. Two hours later I get an email saying they've refunded my money cuz they don't sell those anymore. It's like trying to find someone who will develop disc film! I looked and found it would be pretty cheap to buy a new disk drive. But all that work..... cuz I would have to replace it myself and try not to screw anything up in there. Okay, so I read some more and find out the floppy disk drive is pretty much obsolete and new computers don't even come with one. What!??? What do people save all their crap with then?!

Phew. Zip drives, flash drives, CD-RW's. Blah blah blah. Oh. 'Pause.' Yeah, it took me a while to catch up to the new millennium. Whatever! So, I went and bought two pretty little flash drives. Online. So, now I can't edit my novel for another week and a half anyway. But at least I found a solution. God. Wow. I remember now my niece has a little pink flash drive. Memory stick. Same thing, right? If she can be up to date with the new technology, so can I. Eh? Grr.

Duh!

That's so funny. I feel like I've been seriously out of touch with reality. Did I miss a decade? Why do they still sell floppy disks then? Ah well, I don't care. Grr....! I swear I had more to say in here than this. Oh, the other day someone patted me on the head. In all seriousness. I don't think she was being funny. Well, she was, but also just had the urge to pat my head. Same day someone else tickled my back. Why do I have all this coocheecoocheecoo stuff going on all of a sudden? I thought maybe it was the outfit I was wearing. But I've worn it before. I did look especially sleep deprived. Maybe they felt sorry for me. But at the time I thought here I am thinking I'm at least a badass on the inside and people think I'm.... well, at least not scary! I swear I scowl all the time! Maybe like a little girl scowls. Oh, God. I'm gonna have issues now. I kept thinking of Faith on Angel screaming, "I'm bad! I'm bad!" Not to a Michael Jackson song or anything. Shit, how did she say that line without laughing? Nevermind... tangent. Gah!

ANYWAY. Oh, I had more murder dreams. How are you? I assume it was murder. He didn't seem to die of natural causes. It was icky. And I was with his wife who seemed fine and blase about it all. We called the coroner and they said, "Yeah, could you just cut a few gashes in his throat and see if you could drain out a bunch of his blood before we get there? That would really help us out a lot. Thanks." And the wife said, "Sure," and went happily off to find a knife. Ahhhhhhh! And I thought, "My God, he was perfectly alive yesterday, he wasn't even sick. Don't you miss him a little bit?! Aren't you sad? Ahhhhhh!!!" Yeah, that was disturbing. Geesh. But then I started to analyze my dreams and then I stopped dreaming of murder. I had other weird dreams where people forgot where they left their babies or had horrible disfiguring diseases. Bah. Psychology students should all be routed directly to my blog and be forced to study me for the betterment of future generations. Fft. Pfp!

Hee.

Last night I dreamed something more mundane. Well, sort of. Someone was dying of a disease. But, hey, that's a step down from murder dreams I say! Different disease than the disfiguring one of the other night. Yeesh. These are icky thoughts, aren't they? Wooo, way to attract people to my blog. It's interesting, whenever I blog a lot, traffic to my site goes down. HMMmmm.......! I've decided it's because people don't have to keep checking to see if I've blogged. They know I have, so they stop checking. Hmmm. Which implies that people enjoy reading my blog. Which is so weird. Wee! But I may be delusional. Traffic could go down for other reasons. Who knows!

Oh, which reminds me, the number one thing people type into search engines to get to my site is "buffy and spike". Month after month after month, head and shoulders above the rest of the search phrases people use to get here. Hmmm. Who knew they were such a popular couple? What? No Buffy/Angel? Or at least not as much "buffy and angel". Interesting...

Ugh, I hate that the light's on. And by that, I mean the sun. The sun is on. Or out. Or whatever it is the sun does. The sun is up. Yuck. Hate it. I ate lunch before I came in here to write this so my brain would be functioning normally. It doesn't seem to have done me much good. Heh.

Kryptonite. Sun is my Kryptonite. Does that make me a vampire? Maybe. Oo, I had this idea that I should get a laptop so I can write stories even when I'm lazy. Good, no? EEEeeeep! But not yet. I will finish this next novel, the publishing of it, then I'll see if I feel like writing another one. And whether or not I need to be in my comfy chair to do it. Somehow I think that I do. Yup. I think that's why my last novel was sort of fluffy and not exactly deep. I was rushing through it, because you can't be deep and meaningful sitting with your back straight and your arms parallel to the keyboard and your feet flat on the floor. Blah.... And I'm pretty sure I need a blanket wrapped tight around me and it has to be the dead of spooky cold quiet icy winter. With gnarled trees casting shadows on the curtains.... yeah. Except there are no gnarled trees out there in the yard anymore. They cut them down and planted nice new young trees. All straight and thin and hopeful. Bah! It's okay, I don't need trees to write. But now squirrels don't live out there anymore. Not a big enough tree. I once saw a crow playing some kind of tag with a squirrel out in the old tree. He'd fly down and tap the squirrel on the shoulder and fly back up to his high branch and laugh. And the squirrel would dart around, "What? What happened? Who did that?" Totally clueless. It was so damn funny. The crow did it over and over again. I know it sounds like a Disney movie, but in reality this happened. Ha!

I have never read a blog before where people talk about what the animals are up to. It may be geeky. I can't really tell. Animals and computer mumbo jumbo. Hmmmm.

I have the whole weekend left to kill, since I won't be editing my book this weekend. It's probably good. I could probably use a weekend where I do nothing. Too bad I don't have a book to read! Or I do, cuz I have plenty, but I'm not in the mood. I buy books all the time that look good, but then I don't read them. So, I have a bunch of those.

Flash drives! Unbelievable. How did I not know that? Duhhh....

Yawn. Time for a nap, I think. I haven't been sleeping well lately. I may as well do some of that now. I hope I haven't forgotten any exciting and/or funny stories that I was meaning to write in here. Bahhh. Oh well, apparently I will be back here again soon enough. Prepare yourself for the boredom to come.

Dun dun DUN.

Later.

Chris on 08.11.07 @ 04:57 pm [link]

Meriwether

The other night - okay, midnight - I was grocery shopping and I looked up to the sky and the moon was bright red orange. It was partially obscured by clouds, so it looked like a pretty red orange rose petal floating in the sky. It was pretty cool. Earlier that day, when the sky was blue and the sun was just down, the moon had been hot pink. Actual fluorescent hot pink. WOA.

It's because of the forest fires. They reflect off the moon or something. And it's still very smoky here. I wonder if that's why the deer came into town in the first place. Because that only seemed to happen about 7 years ago, when we also had bad forest fires. The other day I came home for lunch and started to walk around the corner of my apartment building when this giant thing leaped up in front of me and trotted away. Got a way too close view of a deer's rear end. Two or three feet away. And I thought, "Geesh, it's bad enough when you end up looking at a dog's butt, but at least it's not on eye level!" What a thought!!? Anyway, the deer had been laying in the grass around the corner and heard me coming, I guess. Saw another deer another day next to a puddle, maybe a dried up puddle (where this crow usually hangs out and hops around - I truly have no life), anyway, it was like a teenage boy deer. Kinda small, with velvety antlers. So cute! Probably up to no good. He had a graffiti spray paint can. Okay, that last part I made up.

The deer, apparently, are going to be shot by sharpshooters. Got your attention now. There are about 500 of them in town, and I think they are going to kill about 300 of them. It sucks. But they get hit by cars and attack people's pets and stuff. I don't know. I like the option better where they inject them with birth control. Buuuut apparently that option didn't win out. And I don't know when or where or how this is going to happen. They are probably still happily planning their massacre. Uck.

I think I'm in a mood. Caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and I had a very "death to you" look on my face. "This is my 'death to you' look." -Dutch. It's a good way to see what kind of mood you are really in. Quick glance at a mirror before you have a chance to change your expression. See what's there. Enlightening. I guess I'd be shocked as hell if I ended up looking happy. 'Wonders if that ever happens.' Sometimes I only look mildly homicidal. Honest.

I finished reading my "research" book #2. It was better than the first. More real. Darker. Didn't end happily. Depending on how you define happiness.

Hey, I realized I have a picture of myself standing in front of a pretty mountainy rivery place that has just now been destroyed by fire. Sad. And if I were into - or okay with - posting pictures of myself in here, I would post it. It's a pretty view. The one behind me! I could blank out my face or something. I realized, again, that I put goth make-up on my picture up there in the hopes that no one would ever recognize me in real life and go, "Hey! I've read your blog/seen your vids/read your books!" That no one would recognize me from the web. Cuz I wear very little make-up in real life. Does this make me phony? I can't decide. I just want to be a private citizen, that's all. Apparently I spelled "citizen" right. Twice. Hey.

Otherwise, I also have a cool pic where I inexplicably look like Frodo. I thought it was cool. Hee. LOTR fan.

Lifeless.

Good band name. I'm always coming across phrases in life that would make good band names. I can't think of any now. Someone says a quirky phrase and I think, "Good band name." I don't want to start a band. Part of me thinks it would be fun to be in a cover band, cuz I like to sing but suck at writing songs. But truly, I can only sing in the car. Where I think no one can hear me. But once in the middle of the night I was stopped by a train and singing away a song by Jewel, without the assistance of Jewel playing in the background, thank you, and some guy walked by and glanced over. I thought, "Damn! Why is this car not sound proof?! Shit! Fine, roaming man, get your Jewel fix." Pseudo Jewel fix. Whateva.

Speaking of Jewel and her assistance, in my poem video for I think "You Are My Home" you can hear Jewel in the background singing "Barcelona". Cuz I needed a little something for a shot of courage and I don't drink. So, there you go. Plus I wanted to block out the sound of me speaking to my computer as if I'm in love with it in the wee hours of the morning. So my neighbors wouldn't hear it, I mean! Like they'd care. They'd think I was on the phone with some sweetie, maybe. Whatever. I've been through quite a few neighbors since then. They come and go a lot. Boy, do I miss Screaming Meth Head. Probably not his real name. Good times.

Anyway! I'm all sleep deprived and bitter and shit. I don't know why. I thought I got the same amount of sleep as usual, which is not enough, but it's the same amount of not enoughness as before, so what's up? Except yesterday morning I woke up an hour early because of a nightmare. Or a weird dream. There may have been a murder in it. In a pretty pool with green lake water or someone's back yard. There was a body buried, I mean. A nude young woman. But that part is vague, I don't actually know if there was murder. But I do know there were severed body parts. And I was taking them out of specimen bags and mailing them back to their previous owners. Yuck. As a part of tidying up. Or as a deal to buy a house we had just bought. Something. It was grim. Apparently the parts were surgically removed. Yuck. From criminals. For why? I don't know! That's what kept me awake after I woke up from that one. Yeesh. That's a worse than murder dream. It's too twisted. Especially twisted because it didn't seem twisted in the dream. Then I woke up and went, "What.... the.... FUCK?"

Go me.

Gawd. The weather's nicer here now. It rains. And it's in the 80's. Perfect.

Hmm. Well, I've talked about the weather. I'd venture a guess that I'm out of things to say. And it looks like it's time to eat dinner. I've got a 'cold black heartless cruel world' sort of feeling today. You? Maybe it's too cloudy outside. Gums up the emotional works. Hmm. Sigh.

I eagerly await your telepathic reply.

Kidding. I've been wanting to say that in here all day. It's so funny that I don't let people reply. Sorry. And by "funny", I mean "weird". Okay then. Me and my psychosis must be going.

Love and cuttlefish. Bye.

Chris on 08.07.07 @ 07:43 pm [link]