"The cavemen win"

"Of course, the cavemen win." -Fred on Angel. Woooow, what a great episode. I was gonna put that line in my video. Which I am still just planning.

My stomach hurts. I stayed home for two days because of it. I went back to work today, but it still hurts. It doesn't help that I laughed so much at work today. I guess people were funny. Or I was glad to be back. I'm not sure. I'm always freaked out when I'm sick, not knowing how long it will last. It's kind of weird it hasn't gone away yet. I feel like I did a bunch of situps recently and my stomach is sore. Bizarre. And there was a nauseous feeling with it. I guess it's going around. Woooo.

There was smoke outside today, filling the sky. Had to breathe it in. Forest fires. It's been that way for days but I didn't know it. I was hiding away in my apartment. With the air conditioner and Harry Potter. I was afraid I would associate the book with being nauseous in the future, but I don't think I will. It was funny. I kept thinking, "You're ruining this. You're sick and you're reading Harry Potter. You're gonna ruin the memory!" Ha! So funny. Who cares? But memories are important. But it's fiiiine. And I enjoyed the book thoroughly. Very good as usual. Sad that it's over, though. No more books. Boooo.

I keep ending paragraphs with something-oooo. Fft. Sigh. I did feel a little held hostage by Harry, though. Cuz there were other things I could have done while sick. Like sleep all day. You know? BAH! But my mother said to me Sunday night, "I know how it ends!" Cuz my niece blurted it out when she was over at their house for dinner. Nooooooo, thank God I wasn't there. It's so funny. It's a damn long book and I would have liked to savor it a bit more. Read it when I felt like reading it. Instead of reading it like it's homework. But I knew how it would end because of her tone, anyway. Something in the air when you start to read. You just know. Okay, maybe not everyone knows. Anyway. Bah. I will say no more!

About Harry, I mean. Cuz I will certainly babble a lot more. When I came home sick (cuz I always go to work and try to work first, bad me), I had to pay a bill before I climbed into my pajamas to vegetate. So I walk to the mail box, go around the corner of the building and there is a deer, sitting in the grass. Looking at me kind of wide eyed like I just walked into its house unannounced. "Oh, well, excuse me!" Anyway, I ignored it and it was fine. Then on my way back I glanced at it some more. Since it was so close. No antlers, big floppy ears. And it put one of its feet up on the ground and looked at me out of the corner of its eye, like, "Should I run? Is this human being too weird?" So, I stopped staring and it didn't run. I suppose it just relaxed again. I guess if I stared at a human that way they would be freaked out too, eh? But I can't help it! Deer are pretty. Darn it. I actually thought of going back into the house and getting a camera, but then I didn't give enough of a crap. Hey! I saw a little Bambi the other day. A little fawn with white spots and everything. It was so cute. It was all alone and I wondered if it knew what it was doing, how to take care of itself, but then it waited on the side of the road for me to pass, and then it crossed the road. So, I guess it knows something. Little rascal. So cute!

So, there's my deer stories. Hmmmmm...... I need a life.

Why won't my stomach stop hurting???!!!! Anyway.

I had a cool dream the other night. I have no idea why I write these in here. It was about murder. In the dream, the back room I used to live in at my mother's house had a history of all these murders happening there. Of young women. And it had been a while since one had happened. In the dream I still lived there. Anyway, I came home one night to see my friend sitting in a booth table by the window (yes, there was a booth table for some reason). She looked like me (but thinner!) and she was covered in blood and her head was slumped down. And I was filled with dread and thought it's happening again. And I almost started to cry, but then she did one of those sudden gasps and her head snapped up. And it was soooooo...... awesome. She was alive! Ahhhhh! And she was kind of casual and funny about it, like, "Woa, what happened? I should go get cleaned up." So, she went to go clean up and I called two of my other friends to tell them she was alive and they were both kind of, "Yeah, she was alive yesterday too, how is this news?" And I said, "No, but you don't get it. You didn't just come in and see her looking dead. Just nevermind." Pfft. But then, probably because I watch too much Supernatural, me and those two friends were going to go out and hunt the thing that killed all those women and almost killed my friend. Pah! Whatever. Hee heeeee! It was fun. To wake up to a dream about murder where someone lives. YES! I took it as a good sign. A good sign of what I don't know. Healing, happiness, whatever. Weeee! See, in my world this passes for a very uplifting dream. I don't know what it is in your world. However, I did have trouble getting back to sleep after that one. Murder. Yuck. Anyway.

Burrr. The air conditioner has made it 62 degrees in here. It has no manners or mind of its own. And by that I mean it doesn't let you set the temperature. You just turn the dial to where you think would be a good amount of coool. <--that was for the spellchecker. You gotta rile it up sometimes to keep it working right. Pah!

Thank God I made it through the day. EGADS. I could have fallen asleep at my desk today. But I always feel that way. Because, ummmmm.... it's boring! No, ummm, it's always in the afternoon that I feel that way. Too bad grown-ups don't take naps. Except in college. Ha! I remember finding that amusing. Suddenly it was totally socially acceptable to collapse in the middle of the day to sleep. Why I do not know. I still don't think college is as hard as "real life". Oops. Don't throw fruit at me! 'Dodges flying banana.' 'Jumps over a rolling melon.' 'Gets hit with apple smack in the chest.' Ow.

Geez. You have got to watch Angel just to get to the part with Illyria. Especially the part with Illyria playing Crash Bandicoot. Hahahhahahaaahaha! Okay, not really that part, but it is funny. Love her/him/it. DAMN. Good character. Anyway. "Three months and I-I-I-I'm still sober.... picked all my weeds, but kept the flowers....". -Kelly Clarkson. Very pretty song, what?!

I am so out of crap to say. Oh, I had a really funny story to tell about my mother, but after the incident happened she got all paranoid and said I was going to tell my friend, Bobbi, wasn't I?! I laughed and thought, "Are you kidding me? Screw that! I'm putting it in my blog!" Ha! But then I couldn't do it. I'm sure if she doesn't want one more human to know, she probably wouldn't want you 12 strangers to know either. Hehehe. But it was a doozy. Damn! Sigh.

And here we are perched on another precipice of a goodbye. There, I briefly had to look up "precipice" to make sure I'm using it right. Geez! In less than two months I will be forced to have another birthday! I think I'm getting depressed in advance. DAMN. So much swearing. But but but but...! What can I do, I have to have a birthday. It's not even one of the big significant ones. It's just depressing. Cuz it's another one. That's all. I'm so behind in my, you know, conquering the world. I won't harp on my goals (To write! And find true love! Oh, my God, I sound like what's his name in Moulin Rouge, which I loooove! "The show must go o-o-o-ooooon...!" Anyway, tangent). Sigh. Darkness is encroaching upon me.... No seriously. That's not a metaphor. The sky is getting dark and probably filled with smoke. Apparently yesterday there was a weird Hiroshima cloud above the city caused by smoke and moisture and it creeped everybody out, but I missed the whole thing cuz I was sick. Hmmm.

Annnd a woman was hit by a drunk driver and they blocked off that intersection for hours and hours so they could study the scene. I missed all that too. Catastrophes going on around me. Fire and car accidents and smoke clouds clogging the air. It's mini-Armageddon out there. And I was trapped inside my apartment sick, cuddled up with Harry Potter, clueless to the whole thing. I guess I have no reason to whine, now do I? HA! Not really. Geez. She's alive, by the way. In case you wondered. That's all I know!

I have to curl back up under my blankets (that's partly why it's good that it's so cold in here). I need to vegetate more. I need to cocoon. And think. And at any moment stop writing in here. But maybe I'm just being dramatic. See, I meant stop writing in here forever. But who cares, really? I could keep writing for a while. (I'm commitment phobic about it. Can you tell? )

A quote before I leave. Ummmm... "You don't have to say it." "I'll say it anyway. Winifred Burkle. Go." -Angel. It's good stuff. I'm tellin' ya.

Later.

Chris on 07.26.07 @ 07:35 pm [link]

arryhay otterpay

Maybe it's a sign of things to come, but I feel like blogging again, so I am. Twice in one week! Whatever. Have you ever been trapped at home on a Saturday ('Checks to make sure it's Saturday.' You ever get the feeling you're accidentally missing work? Anyway.) waiting anxiously for a Harry Potter someone who never shows up? Urrrgh! See, I thought I was being oh so clever this time. I can never find a copy of those books right when they come out. So, I pre-ordered it a month ago. And then it didn't come yesterday. And it may have come today. I don't know. I said to my mother, "Call me if it shows up!" She said, "Sure. Okay." She's not even home. I called. See, UPS won't leave packages at my apartment, so I have to have stuff sent to her house. She has a covered porch. UPS loves that shit. Anyway.

Last night I am at Walmart at midnight, and there Harry Potter is on the shelf already, right in front of me. And I think, "There you are, you little bastard." Okay, I didn't say it so crudely. But where was he all those other times books were released?! And I couldn't buy it because I'd already bought it. So, I just had to suffer. But I realized after I got home, "You know, I could have just picked it up and skipped to the end." To see if Harry Potter was still alive or not. Is it weird that that's really all I wanted to know? HA!

I'm so afraid I'm going to go to work on Monday and someone will say, "Can you believe [fill in the blank]??!!" And I'll have to say, "Would you like to die quickly or slowly? Your choice." Then they'll have to send me off to Human Resources. Where they have machines that suck your emotions out. I'm kidding! I'm really in a mood today. I swear. Which reminds me of this whole idea of people needing to shut their emotions off to be good at business or an office job. And people needing to dig up their emotions to be good at writing, acting, art, etc. And I have to go to work during the week and shut down my emotions. And then dig them up again on the weekend to write my stupid books. It's nasty. Back and forth. Hmm.

Anyway, so, yes, I'm obsessed with Harry Potter. It's so good. I'm also obsessed with the idea of a woman sitting in a cafe with a baby coming up with the first draft of the first Harry Potter book. Could she have had any idea it would become this massive worldwide phenomenon? It's amazing. Sooo weird. I'd hate to have that happen to me actually. You could never write interesting little things again. People would always want the big spectacular stories. "More! More!" Yeesh. Still.... to make a living with writing would be nice.

Ah, I'm sure I'm all out of things to say now. Ummmm. Got all depressed last night and bought some healthy whole wheat cookies. How funny is that? Not really far down on the list of possible vices a person could have. Or maybe it is far down on the list. Whatever! They were good. Whole wheat and chocolate, thank you! Weeee!

I just spent all day downloading software that will strip a song out of a video, so I can burn things to CD and then listen to them. That was not at all subtle was it? The recording industry is gonna come get me now! Ahhhhhh! What...ever. And other software to trim the talking nonsense etc out of the beginning of the videos. So I can just have the songs. Man. More rope to hang yourself with, miss? No? "Mademoiselle? Pepper?" Have you seen that ad? Sooo cute!

I really really hate daytime. I would think I was agoraphobic, but I go out and go to work every day and don't have panic attacks or anything. Twice yesterday people tried to get me to "go out and have fun." "Let's go boating, let's go outside, lets-" Whatever. Even a stranger at the store last night said to me that I should go to the concert at the college because it's good to try new things. "I'm sorry, did my therapist call you all????!" I don't have a therapist. Or, wait, everyone who talks to me seems to be one! Ahhhhh! Do I look depressed? Geez. Maybe. I wondered that last night. Why did this depression come on me all of a sudden? Then I realized I usually stop taking the 5HTP on Friday nights, to start up again on Saturday. To keep my body from building up a tolerance to it. I take a break from it. But it doesn't usually knock me down so bad. Was it a full moon? I swear someone said to me at work the other day, "That's right, eyes down." What? Exsqueeze me? A baking powder? Bah. (Take that, spellchecker.)

I don't know why people feel the need to analyze and fix me. I'm OKAY. I like being alone. Not always. But a lot of the time. I need to recharge my batteries. When I'm around people I pick up their feelings. Cuz..... I'm an empath. Whatever! Apparently a common form of "psychic ability". And to get back at me, or even things out-whatever, God gave me a very expressive face. So I can't hide anything that I'm feeling. People just look at me and know. Goddammit. But I have a cure. Botox to make my face expressionless, and a lot of alcohol to fog up my emotional sensors. Excellent. I'm kidding, by the way. You can't see my lack of a poker face right now, so how would you know? Eh?

What else is going on? I think I keep breaking the machines around me at work. Okay, that one is too far out there for you. I know. ! With my energy I mean. Man, do I ever have my theories. The other day at work I was listening to a song and having an intense thought about something it reminded me of and I thought, "Do I have to keep listening to this?" BAM! The power went out. And snapped back on. It stopped the song. Cuz it was playing on my computer. And I thought, "Are you kidding me????" Are you kidding me? Woa. I have so many more freaky more meaningful stories about psychic ability that I am keeping to myself. And I will keep doing that I guess. But here's one. Last year something emotionally intense happened at work and within two days the machines on either side of me had to be repaired or replaced. And at an old job I had, I was having intense emotions about something and broke 2 or 3 vacuums in a week. They all broke on the inside. It's not like I was slamming them into walls or anything. And my boss said to me, "Why does this keep happening?" "I don't know." So I calmed down and it stopped. Doo doo doo doo.... That's the Twilight Zone theme, you just can't hear it. Anyway, like a good little girl, I told myself it was all in my head. But, you know. It's probably not.

It's funny how much people will completely block out if it doesn't fit their idea of reality. I've done that. I know it's possible. "This doesn't fit. Block it out." You completely bury an entire conversation or day or whatever. Cuz it doesn't fit. It's kind of weird. That people can do that. This is like a dissertation it's so long. Sigh. Maybe I will write in here more often. It takes 20 hours to make a video. And at least a month to write a book (I write fast!). But only a half hour or so to write a blog entry. Maybe that's why I used to write poetry. It took 5 to 20 minutes per poem. Done! Hey, I found one of my poems the other day posted on what I think was a Russian website. Along with my poem video. Awesome! Unless they posted it as an example of crap you should never create or something. Eeek. I don't know, I couldn't read the language. Could they read mine? Apparently. Hmm. I hope they liked that poem. There were exclamation points in whatever they said about it. "Bad poem! Bad poet! Tell the world!" Oh, I'm all teary eyed with weirdness.

I wonder why Yahoo hasn't deleted my email group yet. I haven't posted since February. Maybe someone has joined in the last 3 months. Maybe that's what they count as "activity". --Hey, I just went there. Someone just joined. Funny! Cool, maybe it won't be deleted then. Oh, I got a cool idea for a video I can make. Awesome. It's going to include clips from all the shows I like. I've never done one of those before. But it seems appropriate in this case. Muwahahahha. I hope I actually make it. Geez. Oo, my space bar is all loose like a loose tooth. That's so icky and oogy. Bleck. More random thoughts. I just bought grapes. I also just bought a scale that's too big for my tiny bathroom, so it's sitting in my kitchen. What a loser! But my old scale would say one thing, I'd get off and get right back on and it'd say something else. "I have a feeling you're lying to me, Scale." So, of course, I weigh even more on the new scale that weighs things properly. Isn't that always the way? Pfft.

You know, I can really write for hours when I'm bored. I'd better shut up now. It's pretty much been an hour. I'm almost sure. Babble, babble, babble. Where is Harry Potter when you need him?!! Ahhhh! Okay, I'll go. I actually have plans tonight. I can complain to people in person about all this stuff again! Weee! But I probably won't. I'll be over it. I guess. There's no telling with me. Oh, alright. Adios, amigos.

Chris on 07.21.07 @ 07:01 pm [link]

Heatwave

"When I kiss you, it'll make the sun go down." -Riley on Buffy. I've been thinking of that quote a lot lately. Because it's been 100 degrees every day here for almost a week. Maybe a week! Anyway. And that's unusual for here. And in my heat addled mind I kept thinking, "If only that were true." I'd have a dream, there'd be a kiss, the sun would stop being so hot. Not go down, just back off. ! I get silly when it's too hot outside. But I think the heatwave may have broken. It's only 90 right now. It felt cool and breezy when I stepped outside of work today. Weeeeee!

SHIT! My new Firefox 2.0 just put a red underline under my "Weeeeee!" It did it again. I don't know if I like this new judgemental Firefox. Shit, it hates "judgemental" too. But it was okay with "addled". Pfft. Okay, it puts a red underline under "okay." I officially hate it. One moment. --Okay, I turned it off. CLEARLY I must have to restart Firefox to get it to stop doing it. BAH! (Oh, it likes the word "BAH". So random.) Wait, I have a plan. Okay, nevermind. I had a whole crazy thing with ropes and pulleys and swinging from the tops of skyscrapers planned. I was gonna copy what I've typed so far, restart Firefox, and paste it in. But then I realized all I had to do was right click and uncheck the spellcheck option. WHATEVER. So, now I've turned it off in two places, and Firefox doesn't judge me anymore. Pah!

Phew! Anyway, I had so much more interesting things planned to say than that. Ummm.... the mental list in my head evaporated with the spellcheck fiasco. Such a drama queen.

My air conditioner spits out little dead bugs. Something tells me it is indeed connected to the outside world in some way. Sometimes I wonder if I get any fresh air in here. Hmm. I had to drive home behind a big old truck that kept stopping, and every time it started going again it would spit out blue smoke. Which I then breathed in through my vents. Woo! I said to him, "We can't keep doing this." Of course, he couldn't hear me. Blech. Then he turned and I was behind a shinier newer car and I thought, "Yes! CLEAN carbon monoxide!" Took a deep breath. Okay, I didn't take a deep breath. I hate writing in here when the sun is still up. It feels weird.

I need more sleep. Sadly, I just got obsessed with another scary TV show and now I have trouble sleeping. BAAAAH! Okay, it's Supernatural. I'm embarrassed to say I never watched it before because I kind of thought it would be Paranormal Baywatch. Sigh.....! Well, come on! You take two cute guys and put them in a car and have them drive around the country for no apparent reason solving paranormal mysteries, and with no source of income that I could see. I thought, "What is this crap??!!" My friend said, "No, but it's actually good. You should watch--" I said, "Bup bup bup! No way, not happening. Bup!" With my 'talk to the hand' up. You see. I don't listen. I'm very stubborn. I figured it would be cancelled in a few weeks. Then it wasn't. I thought, "Well, it's a fledgling network. They need something." Yes, can you believe my rude thoughts??! Then it got picked up for a 3rd season and I thought, "What is going on here? How weird..." Still would not watch. Then I saw, oh, what's his face -- there will be no Googling here -- on Smallville, and I thought, "Who is this guy? He can actually act. He could just stand there and say the boyfriend lines and be arm candy, but he's funny, and he puts a real personality into things. Weird! What else is he in?" Imagine my horror when I read his filmography and see that he's one of the Supernatural guys. Ahhhhhh! Actually, it was damn funny. Here I am silently crusading against Paranormal Baywatch in my head, and then someone who's acting I like is one of the stars of it.... damn! Not to mention Amy Acker and Julie Benz are on it. I was flipping channels one day and watched the last 10 minutes or so of the Amy Acker episode, which of course made no sense out of context. So, I concluded it was crap again. I just amaze me with my stubborness. Okay, so I watched a few scenes on You Tube, and by "scenes", I mean music videos. And there were some cool looking fight scenes I wanted to see in context. Of all things. "Awesome! Must see what the hell that is about." Paragraph. Sheesh.

Okay, so I bought season 1. Then I watched the entire thing in 4 days. Then I discovered why that is a bad idea. By day 3 I had nightmare images in my head as I fell asleep. But it is so funny and goooood. I love Meg. AWESOME. Pardon all my caps! Anyway, as I fell asleep I would see creepy images in my head of ghost children and women, and spooky women holding knives, and creepy smiling clown faces that blew away like dust. Not even images from the show. Just images my mind made up to go along with creepy images in the show. Which is even creepier. I kept waking up fully to look around my room and make sure nothing paranormally creepy was going on. Nope. All quiet on the western front (a very good movie, by the way, All Quiet on the Western Front, ooooo). The next night the nightmarey visions were not as bad. And I think last night I was pretty much back to normal. But I had no nightmares. No scary dreams. Just dreams I could barely remember that I could sum up in one sentence in my diary, "Had a dream about being at work filing stuff." The End. I realized again why I hate (love, 'cough') scary movies. They give me nightmares! Okay, sometimes they do. Hey, I once dreamed of Freddy Kruger and then woke up and laughed. Cuz scary or not I was still alive, eh? Funny. It may not have been a scary dream. Just happened to have him in it. Man, that's freaky! Anyway.

Yeah, so, I freaked myself out real good. And now I'm a fan of that show, and hopefully I'll only get the crap scared out of me once a week from now on. I can tolerate that. Damn! Until I get season 2 and binge on it. GEEZ. Yeah, I don't know why this is my topic of conversation for today. But now that the heatwave isn't bogging me down, I can focus on other things.

I didn't exercise during the heatwave, cuz it kind of made me exhausted. My back didn't hurt too much, though. (I exercise for my back, see.) It was the only part of me that was happy with the heat. Everytime I got into my car, my back muscles went, "Ahhh..." and the rest of me went, "Son of a bitch! It is too damn hot today! Goddammit!" But in little chipmunk voices. So, it was kind of sweet. (See how heat addled?)

I don't care how long this entry is. There's no good TV on in summer, and I just finished reading a stooopid novel last night. Okay, it was good, it just ended kind of cheesily and feebly. Unless you like happy perfect endings. Maybe in real life. But in a book, I never believe it. I mean they can be in love, but he's still gonna be an ass sometimes, right? Come on! If I was in a perfect relationship, I'd get all nervous until someone burped or squeezed the toothpaste wrong, and then I'd breathe a sigh of relief. And launch a full scale attack over control of the remote. Sigh... Okay, it was a romance novel. You caught me. But it was for research! Almost totally. It's for my novel I'm about to publish secretly. I wanted to know if other writers used euphemisms for things. Sadly, yes, they do. I'll read one more racy novel, and then I'm pretty much gonna use the words I want to use in my novel. To heck with everybody!

Hey, but I finished typing up that darn novel finally. I swear a little choir of voices started singing in a heavenly way when I was done typing. Thank God it's over! It was not fun. I took days off work to finish typing it. I knew I had to do it all at once or I would go crazy. Daayuum. There's a whole lot of death and violence in it for a novel about sex. I read back in my blog here and realized I'd already admitted I wrote a racy novel. So why lie now? Duh.

Should I be eating food soon? I really have been in this little text box too long. How horrifying would it be to highlight everything now and turn the spellchecker back on? Ha HA! I won't do it. I have no nerve. Though, I will go use an online dictionary. To fix the words I want to fix. Gotta look up "judgemental". Cuz it's a word in my mind. Is it not a word in your world? Must go! Seriously, I'm gonna have to eat eventually. Damn! (So much swearing!)

Later.

Chris on 07.17.07 @ 06:44 pm [link]