Woohoo! Vaughn is back on Alias. Whoop! I wish there was more than 5 seconds of Vaughn on Alias, but for now I'll take it.
I spent all day listening to people, so I feel like talking now. GOD. I had to get up 2 hours early to drive 86 miles to go to an all day orientation. It was slightly like torture. In that I had to sit still for so many hours. I didn't actually drive. I was driven. That sounds like a metaphor. Let me rephrase! Someone else drove me. We got lost, but we had maps, so we found where we were going. Whoop! And I do not feel better for this day of information being crammed into my head. I just feel wiped out. Exhausted on a psychic level. Something deep.
Yesterday I had to go out of town too. Also driven by someone else. For a five minute court-like thing. Which is now over too. Thank God. I don't feel better for that being over either, though. I just feel messed with. Go here, go there, do this, do that. Turn around fast and pat your head while rubbing your stomach. Okay. Just cuz. (To see if I will?)
This is like weird free form poetry in here today. Well, my brain and emotions are fried. Nothing I can do about that. One more day of work and then I can seriously decompress. But will I? This weekend my car needs an oil change and more gas.
Speaking of my car, I finally got that free recall I was supposed to get NINE years ago. I found the letter that talks about the recall. It's nine years old. I can't believe it. So, anyway, that is taken care of. Yay! I haven't had much of a chance to drive my car yet, though. So, I don't know if it makes a difference in how it works. I hope so.
I couldn't afford to get my windows fixed yet, either. Oops. Maybe in another month or two. Yeah....
I am so tired of being on top of things and tense and getting it done and whatever else. I feel like I've been in survival mode for too long. I need a vacation. But not really. I need things to go back to normal. I need to work on my silly little goals and I need to accomplish them. And hopefully when I get there I won't feel so much pressure and stress. Like I do now. I saw a dead cow on the side of the road today. A small one. Looked hit by a car or something. Legs all bent up weird. A white cow. Almost a baby? I don't know, small. Sad. Kind of horror movie icky. Not with blood, just general unpretty deadness. Unelegant deadness. Crooked and bent kind of deadness. I don't know why I'm describing the cow to you. I also saw a very idyllic scene of little and medium sized deer sitting and standing and grazing in a patch of grass by the side of the road today. And yesterday I saw three deer sitting in the shade outside the apartment manager's office, on the lawn. Nice. Mid-afternoon. People around and everything. It was pretty weird. Anyway, I thought I'd balance out my dead animal story with some living animal stories, so you won't be too freaked out! Like me.
I'm freaked out. I hate the sun and wish it would go down. Am I in a mood? Or depressed forever now? Maybe with no chaos left to support me, I am falling to the waves. See? Poetic. Falling to the waves from a cliff more like. No, sinking. Just sinking.
I would love to write poetry again. But I can't fool myself anymore. I can see myself coming. I can see myself rounding the bend of a bad rhyme or sequence of rhymes or metaphor string or something. But I know my style. I know my ways. I can't fool me. I used to surprise myself. "Oh, look at that! Look what I did!" But now I know everything there is to know about me writing poetry. It sucks. I can see myself coming. You see? No fun.
But I don't know what else to do with myself. How to make some sort of artistic difference in the world. I do believe I have more to offer the world than good customer service. You know? (See handbook page 5, line 27.) Sigh. Too much, too much, too much. I had to pick the meat off the sandwich they served me at lunch today. I was so hungry I was willing to eat cheese and bread that had been snuggled up with meat slices moments earlier. Yuck. Low point. Really. I love how they put mayonnaise on the side, just in case you didn't want it, but the meat was in the sandwich, whether you wanted it or not. Bleck. I'm depressed now....
Hey, they forced my boss to resign 22 days ago. Weird, no? Don't think I'm obsessed, I just have a calendar sitting right in front of me. I remember at the time thinking it was weird he wouldn't be there to see April. I have weird thoughts when bad things happen. Like who will help me get the postage machine to work? Which is not a major crisis, just a sad reminder. See? I'm asking you if you understand me a lot today. Weird. I have to stop doing that. I should just say my piece and hope you understand it. Asking doesn't make it so.
I'm talkative for someone who is a space cadet. And full of sunshine. Sunshine being literal and not a metaphor and one of the things that tends to make me really physically sick. Woo. But not for a few hours yet. "They mostly come at night. Mostly." - Aliens.
Sick, sick, "holding on to his picture...." - Tori Amos. Ah, me and my quotes. I've got a piece of pie thawing. One of the many things I plan to drown my sorrows in later. I hate being so busy it hurts. I have to go back to work tomorrow. To a meeting at 8 a.m. After a two day absence. I hope my batteries are low and I sit quietly. Soaking in the seething contained anger of the people who want other people to understand them but don't think they ever will. Can someone turn this thing off?! (My brain.) Sorry to leave you on such a low note, but I don't have anything good in me today. For all I know this entry is funny, though. That at least can be a saving grace. Or maybe it's not, but.... insightful? Or maybe not that either, but crazy? In an entertaining way? Okay, I have to go now. Back to my pie and my reruns.
Later. 
Chris on 04.20.06 @ 07:47 pm [link]