Straight to Hell

You ever make a music video that makes you feel like you're going to Hell? No? Just me then? I just made a very racy Buffy/Spike video. It makes me blush. It's just the kind of thing a person needs reassurance about. 'No, the video doesn't suck.' 'No, you're... probably not going to Hell.' I used to be soooo religious. This kind of stuff really freaks me out! But no one has commented on the video yet. I know, it's partly my fault for not having any way for people to contact me here on the site. Duh. But that's why I posted it to a couple of message boards. Nothin'. My crying smiley just looks horrified, so I won't use it here.

Sigh. Dammit. It's Friday again. Which is fine. Why shouldn't it be Friday? ARGH. I should just find a nice message board where everyone knows me and is supportive. And I have, it's just not a Buffy board. It's an X-Files board. Feels out of place to post other stuff there. Especially something I will now be catching a plane to Hell for. Boohoohoohooo. <--see that's what I use instead of a crying smiley. Seriously, look at it: Weird!

I wonder if I have other news or if I was just gonna mope. Hmm. The weather's nice. Everyone's personality is so different. And people have to restrain the weirder parts of themselves to get along with other people. Except around friends and family, I guess. But with acquaintances and out in the world, it's all manners and politeness. Which reminds me of a poem! I wrote this. It's in my 2nd book of poems, Secretkeeper.

You'll always be stuck on the battlefield
where you died
fighting for your life.
All the perfume, hair spray,
beer.
Things that never mattered
as much as you did.
I have to go on,
and I have to be happy now,
but sometimes
I feel I have a handful of your blood
dripping down my arm.
And there are things I could never say out loud
in front of polite company.
How will anyone ever know
you had a soul?
They try not to let me speak.
But I'd like to scream it.
How you died in vain
'cause they won't listen.

It's not about war, but people sometimes think it is. It's about someone who died when we were both in high school. My cousin. She was 16. It was verrrrry depressing. A LOT of my poems are about her. I haven't thought of her in a while. It's been about 15 years since she died. WOW. Time passes. She committed suicide. I guess I haven't mentioned that yet. So, very much a preventable death. Yuck.

Anyway. So, I have a lot of depressing things to talk about in poetry and videos and novels. Someday I'll publish my two novels and write more. Hm. Bummer. I mean about the depressing nature of the things I create. I swear I'm happy in real life. Except it bums me out when I freak people out with my writing, etc. They want to do a little impromptu therapy on me and I'm like, "No, no, but is it written well??" People. Urg.

Look at the titles of my last three blog entries. Lol. It's like I'm not doing well. Sigh. Which reminds me, it's time to make that murderous video, which will no doubt completely freak people out. Sheesh!

You know, I think I learned in a literature class that Thomas Hardy stopped writing books because people were so freaked out by how depressing they were. Which they really are. He wrote "Tess of the D'Urbervilles". Which I was supposed to read about, oh, 14 years ago, but I just watched the movie instead. I still have the book, though. And I named a plant Tess after the main character. Don't ask. Anyway, it's like people create things from their heart, and then other people say, "No, no, that's all wrong," and the artists lose the motivation to write or create or whatever. It's probably true in every artistic profession. And maybe in other professions too. I don't know. "No, Smith! You're discovering that bacteria wrong!" Hehe.

I think Jane Austen stopped writing for many years also, but possibly because it was so hard to publish or find an audience. I loooove her books. I was thinking if I ever have a son I could name him Austen. You think he'd be mad? Lol. To be named after a woman, I mean. Not that anyone would know unless he told them. Though, it's an unusual spelling. Hey, why am I telling you my future baby names? Pfft! Don't know. Don't think about it that much. Except there was a female character named Bronte in a movie, Green Card I think, named after the Bronte sisters. Cooool. I love them too. Charlotte and Emily anyway. I haven't read Anne yet. I miss reading. I don't do enough of it anymore. I don't have time, I guess. Speaking of which, I must go. Things to do. It's been nice talking to you.

Chris on 04.22.05 @ 09:26 pm [link]

Mini Disaster

I'm listening to Christina Aguilera. Why does she have all her songs free for download on her site? That's a little weird, no? So, I'm listening to them all to see if I like them. I'm in the mood for some dance music. Plus, I really like "Miss Independent" by Kelly Clarkson, and C.A. wrote that. Or most of it, whatever. She's a good song writer. Hmm. And yet... sex, sex, sex, I don't always want to listen to songs about that. Hmm. I like "Fighter". I think that's the name. It's hard to think of anything but her music when I have it blasting in my head. Anyway.

I was going to write about the mini apocalypse that happened at my house last week. First I see a spider walk up my chair arm and then I had to freak out and kill it. Then I realize I have to PEE (there I am talking about pee again), so I rush to the bathroom (heh, like a five year old, sheesh) and I see, "Oh, I forgot to flush last time". No. But I flush and the water rises up and floods my entire bathroom. Okay, it's a small bathroom. But my socks were soaked up to my shins with toilet water. Ew. I don't know how the water got up that far. Ick. Osmosis. And I couldn't figure out how to stop the water, but it stopped itself anyway. And then I am standing there shocked, and it occurs to me, "I still have to pee!!!!"

Anyway, it was gross, I had to slop down my hall to get the mop. Then I had to wash my feet and wear thongs in my bathroom, and go to the store to buy floor cleaner or whatever. Cuz normally I just spot clean the floor with a Lysol wipe. LAZY. Hey, at least I had a mop. Then I cleaned the hell out of my apartment. Mopped the floor, shampooed the carpet where my toilety socks walked, tossed my socks into the TRASH. They had holes anyway. Then I snuck my bath mat into my mom's washing machine and washed it with hot water, detergent, and borax. It turned out quite clean. Bleck! I don't know if she would have protested if she had known. "No, don't wash your toilet water bath mat here!" But in all fairness I was the next person to do a load of laundry (after washing the gross bath mat), so.... if anyone was bitten in the ass by that it was me. But it had to be done! Much as I would like to throw anything away that had ever been in a toilet, my bath mat is cute. I couldn't part with it. And it's small enough to fit in my bathroom. Teeny weeny cute.

I'm sure I'm overreacting, but I'm an obsessive compulsive germ phobic freak. And now someone will come here from Googling THAT. HA! People get here typing funny things into search engines. Like "you're a really nice person ham stealing and adultery aside" and "wooo muffler" and "i have to pee" (see there, proof I make a lot of pee references, yikes) and "crossing jordan kick testicles balls" (?).! I don't get that last one. I don't recall ever talking about testicles.... hmm.... Anyway, hello all you people who typed these things, as if you're still here, lol, whoops, whatever.

And now a Friends quote.

Monica: It was either a pink bunny or no bunny at all.
Chandler: No bunny at all! Always no bunny at all!!!!

Hehe. Oh, more.

Joey: If I had to, I'd pee on any one of you!

More pee references. Sheesh!

Ooo, there are so many more quotes on the tip of my tongue. Or the tip of my brain. Or fingers. Whatever you call it when you're typing. Pfft!

Oh, here's a funny Phoebe song that makes me laugh even though I'm a vegetarian:

Phoebe: Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo". Oh, the cow in the meadow goes "moo". Then the farmer hits him on the head and grinds him up and that's how we get hamburgers.

Lol. It's so funny how she sings it in such a cheery way. God! It still makes me laugh. I'm sick. Lol. (I'm liking "lol" more now.)

I was gonna talk more about various subjects like why is everyone in Hollywood so anorexic? But there isn't time! But seriously, you know how if you can see the ribs of a dog or a cat or a deer or a.... lion or something, you assume it's starving to death or being abused (by being starved). But when you can see a woman's ribs it's considered sexy? Ewwwww! I was watching Desperate Housewives and noticing all the ribs showing, ick. Why do people think that's sexy? At all!? I used to be too skinny and then I saw a picture of myself and freaked out and gained a lot of weight, and 60 pounds later, oops, now what? Oh dear God I think it's closer to 70. 74. What?!!!! Wow! But I only want to lose 60. That's what it was. Shite. Well, that was scary. Hmm....

Now that cow song is in my head. I have to go listen to Christina Aguilera again to get it out. Alrighty then. Adios, muchachos.

Chris on 04.14.05 @ 03:25 am [link]