A Murder of One

I just recorded a voiceover of myself reading a poem I wrote quite a few years ago. It's about wanting to commit a murder. I'm going to use it to make a Buffy/Spike poem video. I can never get a voiceover quite as perfect as I want it. I did it about 15 times and that will have to be good enough. It's hard to read it exactly the same way every time. Sigh. It sounds nice and creepy, though. Which I love.

I'm in a bad mood right now, so it seemed like the perfect time to read an angry poem. Then I got tired. The last take of it, it sounds like I'm falling asleep while threatening murder. "I'm gonna get ya.... [snooze]...." Argh. I didn't get enough sleep last night. Or eat enough food today. But it's almost time for me to go to bed. Oh well. I'll eat, then watch some TV, then go to sleep.

I got a new video capture program. I used it on my latest video. Dr. DivX. This video looks clearer and brighter than my others, I think. So, I'm happy.

Argh, I just got tired and wandered off. Booooo. My eyes hurt. I'm having a kind of day where I want to take all methods of contact off my site, change my name, and just put my art out there as I like it, whether people approve or not. That's the reason I don't have my email address on my site. I used to post poetry on newsgroups, and most of the emails I got about my poetry were polite. But some were unbelievable. People telling me to turn away from Satan or that I'm going to Hell or that they're praying for me. And then people writing me - this only happened once - to ask for advise about domestic abuse because some of my poems are about that. She wanted to know if I thought she should leave her boyfriend who beat her. I said yes and gave her a detailed explanation why. She never wrote back. I also got people writing to me and psychoanalyzing me. Telling me what my problem was. They thought I had a problem. Guestbook entries here are starting to take the same turn. I don't know, I feel like I'm giving people something I hope they can enjoy, and if they can't they don't have to come here. But so many people think it's okay to be rude, as if they are just talking to their TV set and not an actual person. And one bad comment can just ruin my day. So, I think I am definitely going to get rid of the interactive parts of my site. The comments here in my blog, the guestbook, and the new tagboard on the video pages. It's so funny most people have their email on their site and say, "Email me! I want to know what you think!" Do they really? I've gotten some very nice responses here, and I appreciate them a lot. But I just can't stand the other comments anymore. I'm too sensitive for that. I guess I'll know people like what I do if they keep downloading it. That will have to be good enough. I left the poetry world for a few years because I couldn't stand the feedback anymore. Then I opened this site and added videos to it. I thought I'd start over. Try it again. It has taken the same turn, though. Took almost a year, but there it is. It's like I have to build walls in order to be open. You know? It's either shut down this site completely, or just shut down parts of it. Cuz the emotional toll is getting too high. I don't know if anyone reads this, well, okay, someone does, there are counter hits. But oh well, here it is. You can listen but you can't speak. Sorry. I'll still be here and hopefully you'll still be here, but we won't be interacting anymore. Which is okay, cuz I never got a ton of feedback here. Just a smattering. Okay, I feel better now having made this decision. Time for sleep.

Chris on 03.20.05 @ 06:05 am [link]

Applesauce

I just called this entry "Applesauce" cuz I'm eating applesauce. That's how I got my screen name on message boards, July Rain. I just grabbed it from stuff that was going on. It was July and it was raining. I'm watching Hope & Faith right now. They're cute. I'm too lazy to work. Actually, I keep thinking of new software and scripts that don't exist that would make my work much easier. Then I wonder if I should write them. Not that I know how to do that. Then I wonder if I should learn how to do that. It's this whole time-wasting train of thought that keeps me from doing anything at all. I got a little bit of work done before those thoughts started up today, though. A wee bit!

I've been losing weight lately. I got on the scale and I'm down, oh, just 3 1/2 pounds from before. Damn, that's not much. But then I freaked out and ate a bunch of junk food. Either I was celebrating losing a few pounds or I'm trying to sabotage my progress. Boooo. I have issues. But now I'm eating applesauce, cuz it's healthy. ? Hmm.

I saw two deer the other day. They're baaaaack! They never come around when there is snow on the ground. But the weather is freakishly warm now. It was almost 70 degrees today. It's March! Last March it was 0 degrees. I like this better, but.... it's weird. ! We need more snow and rain so we won't have a drought this summer and wild fires, etc. It's a strange year.

Is it Friday again? Sheesh. Those things just whip by. Fridays. Every time I turn around there one of them is again. I swear it was just Monday. Not that I hate Fridays! I'm just afraid the weekend will be over too quickly. And then I'll have to get back to finding excuses not to work.

How boring are blogs? Really? This one here, other ones there. Whatever. Even if you knew me personally you might not want to read my thoughts in a blog. I'm not usually this mopey. I'm just so annoyed with myself. It's like I am my own boss, and me as a boss is not happy with me as a worker, but I'm stuck with myself, so what am I gonna do? Nothin'. Boooo.

I was trying to find a salad cookbook today. But they all have these "hearty" sorts of salads with meat and cheese and eggs in them. It's very annoying. I made up a salad in my head that in theory sounds like it would taste good. But then when I make these crazy inventions they are not so great. Not the vegetable recipes I invent. They are watery or bland or too cold. Something. Bean related recipes I invent taste good. Or fruit related recipes. Anything but veggies!

Maybe I got more work done this week than I think. I'll have to look back on it. I wish I could make a living making videos. Other people are still making videos, but I don't have time. I feel like all the other kids are outside playing without me. Boooo. (That's my word for today.) Oo! I started making a poetry ebook, though. I'm going to give ebook versions of my poetry books away for free I have decided. And I created the layout for my first book. I really like it. It sure is depressing looking, though. It's all black and blue. (Hmm....) It just takes so much work to scan the book and put it together. So, I haven't finished that yet either. I keep changing projects in the middle of a project. Grr. I'm scattered. But I get bored! Maybe it's good it's Friday.

Speaking of Good Friday (hehe), I told my mother Mel Gibson cut a lot of the gore out of The Passion of the Christ for the re-release of it, and she said, "Noooo...!" I guess she loves her violence. ?!

It's about time for my 9 o'clock junk food feeding. So, I'm gonna skedaddle. Adios.

Chris on 03.11.05 @ 09:02 pm [link]