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09/08/2007: "Blank"My computer is busy chewing on itself. Ever since the A drive stopped working, it tries to make sense of it for about 20 minutes every time I turn the computer on. 'Raum, raum, raum'. Shut up!
Anyway. I can't think of a title for this entry. I'm gonna go write "Blank" up there. Be back in a sec. --Okay! Yay, the computer stopped chewing on itself. Phew. Now I can think.
Pause. I am so stressed out. All of a sudden I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. I don't know why this was such a tough week. Only 4 days of work. But what a downer. We almost had a new person to do my job, but now we don't anymore and it's been 3 1/2 months since the last person quit. See, I'm supposed to be across the room doing my new job. But I rarely have time to. I still do it sometimes. Bah. And also a patient woke me up at 8 am (I was at work on auto pilot) to tell me she thinks we have horrible customer service and she and her whole family are leaving the clinic. I thought, "Geez, all I did was say 'hello.'" Which is true. She was bitchy at me for something someone else did. Which made it almost impossible to be nice to her. But I was civil anyway. Grr. Kind of ruined my day. So early in the morning! I sooooo need to set my own hours and be my own boss. Now!
Said the broken record.
Plus, I'm thinking, I need more time to do "therapy". Digging into my mind and seeing what's going on in there. Cuz it's a powerful and weird place. Not like a normal mind. All kinds of crazy traps and minefields in there. And mazes. Wow! I used to make videos as therapy. But now I don't have time. Part of me thinks I should make time. Before I lose touch with myself completely and become a worker bee robot. Damn! I should do that with my 3 days off later this month. Which means I should plan the video now. So I know what clips I need to capture. Plus clear off my computer so it has enough... bandwidth to make the video. Whatever that is. Space, but really energy....???? I forget, but I know what I mean. RAM or something.
I just asked the oil change place guys if they would install a light on my car for me. I bought the part on Amazon, then took it with me to get my car an oil change. And they did it, and I don't think they charged me, which is weird. It's okay to charge me! But anyway. I just couldn't handle the hour or 2 or 3 that it would take me to puzzle it out like a monkey and do it myself. My brain doesn't want to learn today.
I hate wasting a Saturday for car maintenance. Especially one where I need to be in my pajamas under a blanket watching TV. Or writing in my diary. Hey, I didn't have murder dreams last night. Did I? No. I just had a dream I was naked in a crowd trying to discreetly find my clothes and cover up somehow. Eek! But no one seemed to notice me, which was nice. Weird, but nice. But a few days ago I had a murder dream. I was trapped in this house where they were murdering women. They had me locked in a room and hadn't gotten to me yet. I snuck out and found a naked dead girl in one room. They were planning to decapitate her. And then I couldn't go up the stairs cuz there was a man there decapitating another dead naked woman. So I had to go back to my room and crawl out a basement window. HMM. But I know what that one means, so I stopped having murder dreams. Because I bothered to analyze it. See?!! I need to be analyzing things. No one wants to have too many murder dreams. Yeck.
Oh, I'm tired. I got almost 8 hours of sleep, but after a week of 6 hours a night, it's not enough. Six hours used to be enough. But now I need SLEEEEEEEP. Herbal crap. That's what does it to me! But the herbal stuff is working. For what I wanted it to do. I just need to sleep more. Wahoo. I feel like the day is just beginning, but it's almost dinner time. Yesssssssss. That was some Parseltongue.
I am so shocked and numb right now, I don't know why. I need to figure out why. Probably not a good time to be blogging. But here I am. I've noticed I've been blogging lately every 4 days. Like clockwork. I always settle down into a predictable pattern. Patterns are comforting. It may be time to retire again from the land of blogging. Now that I'm in a rut.
. Life is too weird. I don't know what I mean. Talkin' crazy. But I do need a break. I saw the shadow of myself walking to the car this afternoon, gingerly carrying the box with the car part by one corner. Felt sullen and sad and determined. Reminded me of a little girl. In some kind of post-apocalyptic world taking care of herself. "This must be done now." Even if I would rather be curled up inside. SAD. ! I have weird thoughts. Is my 5HTP on the fritz?!
Oh, it's just time. To go "underground" again. To cocoon or hibernate or something. So I can come out again on the other side a butterfly. Something like that. Hopefully it won't last all winter. But there's a good chance it might. You see why I don't have a readership.
. I'm unpredictable. Hopefully the next time I blog in here I will be a full time writer. With a new nephew or niece. (That part's definite. )Don't know why this entry is so melancholy. I didn't even know what I was going to say until I sat down to type it. Wow! See what I mean about not knowing what's going on in my head until I look in there? I need to look in there more. Alrighty. Here's me diving under the waves.... In dream symbolism all bodies of water represent emotion. So, I'm diving into my emotions? Something like that. That's how I find out what's at the center of them. The hard solid structure of thoughts holding them together. Mixed metaphors, yes, but you see what I mean? Thoughts cause emotion. We can't control our emotions, but we can control our thoughts. HMMMmmmm...... But that's not entirely what I meant. 'Cause it's easier said than done anyway. Changing thoughts. Not for the faint of heart. All I want to do is find out what's in there. I don't necessarily want to change it. I've changed the Serenity Prayer to something like this:
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference. And also the wisdom to know what I shouldn't try to change even though I can, and also the wisdom to know what I should try to change even though it seems utterly impossible....
It may go on, I can't remember. This seems like a serious entry, no? But remember the true pessimists in life are the comedians. They have no hope for the human race and just think we might as well enjoy our trip down into destruction. They are your morphine drip for the soul. But drama creators (is there a word for this?) have hope for the human race and think we really can improve and make something of ourselves. They are willing to get down in the dirt and examine everything and make new discoveries about better ways to do things, etc, etc.... I'm always funniest when I'm really upset. If you ever happen to know me in real life (or you already do) and I happen to be super funny one day, duck, I may have a weapon.
I'd better put a stop to this ramble. I'm kind of funny all the time, does that make me a pessimist? YES! At least temporarily. But possibly not now. Unless I look back on this entry and realize I was funnier than I intended to be! Hey, I have habits. I'm not saying all funny is bad. (Or that all drama is good.) Possibly there is a happy medium. But I may be depressed. Or maybe just insightful. Either way, I've got to go.
A quote? It seems time for a quote.
"The joy of the children was in his voice."
That's the last line of one of my favorite books, Christy. And you have to read the whole book before it to even know what it means. It's awesome.
Later.